Its saturday and today super sucks. On a ussual saturday i dont wake up till late and i sit around do some things around the house that need doing work out and then at like 430-500 lili gets off work and i rush over to her house so i can spend as much time with her.

So basically my whole day revolves around her getting off work . Well like wtf do i do today i woke up early as fuck cause i woke up started thinking about her and i knew there was no going back to fuckin bed. i went and watched sons of anarchry and the cleaner cause i always dvr them and shit cause i never get to watch them during the week an of course both those shows made me think of her the entire time and then i dvred the new ultimate fighter ehavy wieght thing and then that reminded me that there are fights tonight and ussually we would go and watch them together even though she doesnt like the fights she watched them cause she nows how happy it makes me.

dude i miss my lili so fuckin much today. i dont know wether i should go and try and lift but i wont be able to cause i will just get upset or just try and sleep today and tomorrow allday so that i can go back to work on monday and have something to try and take my mind of all this but it relaly doesnt so basically i hate myself 24/7

well i hope everyone else is having a good day and more importantly i hope lili is doing better i feel bad cause of what i have put her through this time is worse than ever. i should be there to be her strong man and take care of her but instead i fuckin abandoned her.

i wanna talk to her and just ask her "how does what i have done make you feel" that way i can better understand everything. i have an idea of how she feels but i have no clue how deep it is. i know how bad i feel and i feel so bad because i fuckin abandoned the lili in her greatest time of need. i fucked up so bad the only thing i deserve is pain and misfortune

i am not a good boyfriend, and if i cant be a good boyfriend i cant be much of a good person....