I was going to try and write this blog about what has happened this weekend and since then but i cant even force myself to fuckin write it all down

lets just put it this way i fucked up everything in my life and by everything i mean lili

she is gone and this time i really think its for sure

i really fucked up BAD this time worst part is i love her so fuckin much and i know she loves me more than anything but i am just to much of a fuckin piece of shit and a loose cannon

right now i hate my fuckin life SOOO MUCH i dont even think its explainable

and worse i just got a new job so i gotta put on a happy face all day and on the inside i just feel like i am dieing cause all i think about is her

i dont even wanna do this anymore

i dont wanna live a hollow existence she was the one and i fuckin threw it all away



not to mention i abandond lili she needed me more than ever and i just totally fuckin didnt even take that into consideration and she needed me and i wasnt there for her i was doing fucked up fuckin shit

you know like when poeple ask you "do you regret anything in your life" i will always have and answer to that question everyday for the rest of my life "fuckin up the one thing that really mattered to me and the only one who could ever love me"