dnmolenaar

Today was a rough day in Chinese.

Rough.

Ok I suppose I will try and explain what happened over the last few nights in case for some ungodly reason i would want to remember it.

I left a message for this old girlfriend a while ago, and she said sure we should do something. It turned out she didn't want to do anything. And i knew it but I was too polite to say anything. But a few days after I just said cut the bullshit if you don't want to be friends I'll stop trying. Just save me the wasted time.

Then she broke up with her boyfriend and cut herself up pretty bad. I read her journal thing and found out about it. She was obviously distraught. Thats sort of when i went insane a couple days ago. I freaked out and wondered what i should do, but.... well... you know the rest of that part.

Anyway, we talked for a little bit, and I offered my condonlences. She told me that she was sorry about not doing anything before, cause she didnt really want to. I said, well at least do me the courtesy of saying you dont want to do anything.

Then we talked about how our friendship had tapered off recently, and i said yeah. Then she said it wasn't really worth the effort with the distance apart we are.

So I said:

"Fuck it, Im out." And hung up.

I really meant it at that point. And I gave up my 6 months of not hurting myself. I am ashamed. It had been such a long time, i thought i was over that stuff.

I thought I was over that stuff with her.

I was content with never talking to her again, and repressing anything and everything that happened in that expanse.

But then i get this message from her journal.

I have no one to talk to about this... I dont know what to do.... this is one of those times where it feels like the only option is ending it all. I wish there was a way I could dissappear... god please send someone to help me... lord I am all alone. I'm freaking out. and I have nothing to do except wait for hours till I can speak to josh again.
she'll prolly try to turn josh on me now.. I feel so helpless. she is pure evil. and the worst part is, josh is blinded to it. I have to sit back and watch the devil move in...and him clueless to it all. Lord.. please help me. I know I haven't been very close to you lately... but Ive never felt so terrible in all my life. I need you so bad..but i know I dont deserve it. but Lord, if you will listen, I humbly ask of you to send me comfort. send me guidance. Lord.. I know its not your plan for anyone to be unhappy.. so I need to know what you want me to do. Ive tried so hard to not give up.... and my heart is so broken, lord.


I was terrified. What the heck was i supposed to do?

I stewed over calling for a while, and how it would go over with my conscience if something were to happen.

So i called. I dont know why i did. I shouldn't have. I had no choice.

She was there, and I gave her sort of a half-assed conversation. We both said we were sorry, but i didn't mean it. she hurt me, I was saying sorry to try and soothe her feelings. If she gave a damn anyway.

I don't really know. She talked about how she had her heart broken, and how it was ever so painful.

Which i was insulted by. Its not as if my heart has never been broken. Not funny in the slightest.

then she had to go.

I just wanted to scream at her. I wanted it to end. I didn't want to talk to her ever again, and she made me by writing that.

....

God I wish I could forget everything that ever happened in my life and start over again.



Ugh I am so tired.

Because of all this bullshit i have been having a hard time keeping up in Chinese. I have been working at it, but today i had a horrible slip up in class. And the teacher made fun of me.

I wanted to cry. I tried to cry last night, but i can't.

what the hell happened these past few days?

How have I been pushed this far off my center?

I was doing just fine until this shit started.

Now I feel terrible.

I want it to fucking stop