10:48 AM
Long time coming, here is a review of things.
Being so busy with my job (not career :p), education, volunteer counseling, and music, there's so little time to write down the things bouncing around in my head. Every bit of time for myself (including music in this) is a stolen moment. A portion of some other effort's alotted energy.
Last night, and I find myself doing this frequently, I had to stay up later than I needed just so I could practice with my guitar. Then I followed up with putting my thoughts to sound. Nothing I can think of, writing or singing included, comes as close to accuracy of conveyed feeling. Music is more than expression in my mind. It is more of a Trancendentalist's language which rises above barriers of vernacular and context. Truely a most honest way of speaking. If only words could be so dependable.
If I had more time, I would have more words. I'm merely glad that I could share these. The moments I am currently stealing from my work duties are come nil. I must go, but know this. As the 12 remaining hours in my shift dwindle I will be thinking of the words left unsaid.
Asmih.
Appendix A
1:31AM
Of Provocation and Mistrust.
Had I ever imagined today would end up so differently than it began, my eyes would have remained shut this morning. So completely different does not begin to describe the way I now feel about my day. Somewhere between betrayal and hope lies the most accurate single-word description of this evening's events at work.
Humiliated, berated, embarassed, deliberately put-under-stress, insulted, and lied-to came to mind when I initially tried to process the events, given a moment to breath. After hours of deliberation I have mixed emotions of good-will-gone-terribly-wrong and defiant-jealousy to show for it all. Blind-siding me with unforseeable treatment of malicious intent was not what I was looking forward to when I woke up. I do not relish such sadism. The bottom line is that objectively, there was abuse. Was I being provoked? Or was I being tested? Both cases lead to a decision of: no matter what, it was extreme, and it was inexcuseable. I will not allow it again.
I feel I excelled in handling such despicable stress while continuing to work for the hour and a half or so I was subjected. Others, witnesses, agree. I am glad for this little acknowledgement. I felt I might become prey to the collective "blind eye" so many people are apt to view things as this with. Processing of it has lead me to a more confident, evident, and dedicated resolve to move forward with immediate evolution. Backing me into a corner will now result in losing whatever you had hoped to gain. Period. I won't accept complacence from people who I should trust to speak up. I cannot stand for the wavering support of trusted peers.
When I see Aces, I cannot not call them.
Provoke me. You will lose my trust and regret it.
Appendix B
Apologies for confusion, but it would serve no good purpose to dwell upon this further. I am not angry, nor do I hold ill will of any kind. This is only a coping process best not ignored by me.
Long time coming, here is a review of things.
Being so busy with my job (not career :p), education, volunteer counseling, and music, there's so little time to write down the things bouncing around in my head. Every bit of time for myself (including music in this) is a stolen moment. A portion of some other effort's alotted energy.
Last night, and I find myself doing this frequently, I had to stay up later than I needed just so I could practice with my guitar. Then I followed up with putting my thoughts to sound. Nothing I can think of, writing or singing included, comes as close to accuracy of conveyed feeling. Music is more than expression in my mind. It is more of a Trancendentalist's language which rises above barriers of vernacular and context. Truely a most honest way of speaking. If only words could be so dependable.
If I had more time, I would have more words. I'm merely glad that I could share these. The moments I am currently stealing from my work duties are come nil. I must go, but know this. As the 12 remaining hours in my shift dwindle I will be thinking of the words left unsaid.
Asmih.
Appendix A
1:31AM
Of Provocation and Mistrust.
Had I ever imagined today would end up so differently than it began, my eyes would have remained shut this morning. So completely different does not begin to describe the way I now feel about my day. Somewhere between betrayal and hope lies the most accurate single-word description of this evening's events at work.
Humiliated, berated, embarassed, deliberately put-under-stress, insulted, and lied-to came to mind when I initially tried to process the events, given a moment to breath. After hours of deliberation I have mixed emotions of good-will-gone-terribly-wrong and defiant-jealousy to show for it all. Blind-siding me with unforseeable treatment of malicious intent was not what I was looking forward to when I woke up. I do not relish such sadism. The bottom line is that objectively, there was abuse. Was I being provoked? Or was I being tested? Both cases lead to a decision of: no matter what, it was extreme, and it was inexcuseable. I will not allow it again.
I feel I excelled in handling such despicable stress while continuing to work for the hour and a half or so I was subjected. Others, witnesses, agree. I am glad for this little acknowledgement. I felt I might become prey to the collective "blind eye" so many people are apt to view things as this with. Processing of it has lead me to a more confident, evident, and dedicated resolve to move forward with immediate evolution. Backing me into a corner will now result in losing whatever you had hoped to gain. Period. I won't accept complacence from people who I should trust to speak up. I cannot stand for the wavering support of trusted peers.
When I see Aces, I cannot not call them.
Provoke me. You will lose my trust and regret it.
Appendix B
Apologies for confusion, but it would serve no good purpose to dwell upon this further. I am not angry, nor do I hold ill will of any kind. This is only a coping process best not ignored by me.
lakuna:
dude i appreciate your feedback. in terms of what you've written in this entry i'm commenting on - maybe you could write about the details? the meta-analysis can be confusing even for a nerd like me. what's your job all about and what happened?