disynthetic

No trite 'in memorium' songs or poems for this day of anniversary are called for, as I could not bear to think what kinds of ridicule and belittling humor Mr. Ray would have bestowed upon me for my sentimentality. However, today, one year ago my fast, pot-smoking, killer drum-playing, cynical, troubled, and most of all best, friend decided to take his own misjudged-for-its-value life from friends, family, and himself. Intervention was foreseeable and though I was one of the last of his friends/family to see him alive so shortly before he acted out, I hold no blame upon myself. I could not rationally do so, of course. I am dearly sorry that the last conversation I had with him now tells me that he was trying to drop hints about what would happen three days later, but my gross misunderstanding of how long he had been sad is just that. Misunderstanding. It was not something I believed possible, to lose a best friend. I had so few and I selfishly thought that would remain. However in truth, what now remains is a changed me and a lesson for all involved. I will as a lesson not let self-destruction, self-waste, or self-doubt affect me so much it affects someone I hold in close regard. That is a true vow.

Changing things lately have been a long time coming, but are all involved, related, and/or because of Mr. Ray's passing. They will continue to mature into something healthy and hopeful. I am picking up the guitar rather quickly and soon hope to resume his progress in music where he left off. I always talked about what was good and bad about metal songs we were listening to. Unfortunately I was drunk alot of those times and he was high all those times, so I can't remember them as clearly as I now wish. Maybe my DWI's were related to the loss of him, I would think so, but I'm glad that my remaining best friend is sober. This remaining friend was/is also Mr. Ray's best friend. They had spent far more time together than Mr. Ray and I, through school and early band days. This friend has much history with me, but we were not so close as now, since I had a different life path which rarely intersected with his. Now they are somewhat parallel. I just hope we can go somewhere with our mutual interest of metal and great music in general.

In closing I'd like to address sadness and hopelessness with a concept. Imagine a way outside of yourself. A glimpse of yourself with someone else's eyes. Just borrowing them for a moment, try to think of who will regret your disappearance. Itemize their names with bullet-points and reflect on how you think they'd react. Then imagine them all in one place for your going away party and try to think of what you would say to each and every one of them about you hanging yourself the night before. Could you do that to them? Could you bear the tears of your siblings and parents and closest friends? I doubt it. I'm not blaming anyone for anything but you have to think about that. Whether it's before something happens, or unfortunately, in the wake of tragedy.

At any rate, Mr. Ray was meant to hear this song the day before he went away because he was so convinced that this band sucked, I wanted to show him why he shouldn't judge my favorite band on 30 seconds of a song he heard. Now it's a fitting retrospect trimmed in nostalgic cynicism.

In Flames - Touch of Red -
Reaching depth of clarity
I'm not supposed to be like this
I should be on the top of the world
Is anybody out there like me?

I followed something's missing
Self control Forcing me down
Whispers consume the air
Above here I'm endless

When the rain comes falling
I'll freeze I'm so afraid
When things start to flood me
I will drown in seconds

Fear - There's a way out
touch of red
break away
nothing has it all
bury the place I've been
I fear there's a way out

As If I ever had a choice
all in the hands of the energy
once again feel the quicksand swallow me
tonight -I wont struggle

Fear - There's a way out
Touch of red
Break away
Nothing has it all
Bury the place I've been
I fear there's a way out

The weakness in me should know I'm as sober as I could be

Fear - There's a way out
Touch of red
Break away
Nothing has it all
Bury the place I've been
I fear there's a way out


PS Remember Pearl Harbour everyone.