disynthetic

There's a little difference between what makes me feel insignificant and introverted, and something that makes a man feel like he won't amount to more than the sum of his self-fulfilling doubts. Sometimes I admit I can't even focus on the last half of a complete thought before I carry on into the next bright idea, only to fall short upon realization of the actual distance between my desire and home. I don't want to keep reinventing my self-worth just to change every time I'm disappointed with something in me.

Saying to myself that I'm getting somewhere with this snake-eating-it's-tail process is not unlike reinventing the wheel. It's been done. I need some balance between acceptance and desires. I won't get anywhere with only accepting who I am, just as I won't get anywhere only wanting more. Whether it's more meaning to my life, or it's more cake for my appetite.

The sadness I can't hide is that I admit I have emptied out my thoughts just so I can receive attention. Whether it is to reaffirm an existance I don't hate nor enjoy, or merely to feed an addict's personality, I can't nor won't distinguish. There is a thing I need that is not here. Not in me. That said I make this humbly apologetic plea to all the people I have pushed away from me over many years: I know you likely will never read this, but understand that I am selfish. I have to accept who I am before I can cope with it properly. I've gone too long being unaccepting of others because of my own lack of scruples. I'm sorry that I wasn't the person who seemed to love life more than anything though I was convincing. I want to really be that way now. I never meant to spitefully let you drift away. Any of you. It was just easy.

Heaven help the man who cannot use the conscience he is given to help someone else. And mean it.

At any rate, hello again SG. I tried to leave but I'm back. This will now be my little razorblade suitcase, as that niche but cliche saying goes.