distant

I've come to learn quite a few things about myself lately.
Sadly, I'm not at all surprised that I'm dissapointed with quite a few of them, or at least was, initially.
I remind myself all too much of my father.
Failing to realize the similarities would not impose his current life on me at his age brought me down several levels.
But I have realized this now and am quite chipper.
I just used the word chipper.
In other news, here's a piece of advice if you will.
We must have life, we cannot arrange for it.
Embracing this seems to be the only thing helping me move along. The more I try for something, the further away it runs... at super-human speed. The more I accept the fact that I cannot run that fast... the further my slow steps take me.
I'm considering trekking across the world in about a year.
I will have enough money saved up for about a 2 year journey if I want to badly enough.
I'm not sure if it'd be running or actually searching... I suppose it could be both.
Running from my false self, searching out who I really am.
It's not until we're out of our comfort zones and faced with something extraordinary that we are capable of realizing just how extraordinary we, ourselves, actually are.
I hope to find this out.
I need a hobby, an interest, something to devote some measure of my life to aside from work and involuntary actions required to keep my pulse flowing.
I want my desires back, if even just to know I can't pursue them, but just to have them... lately, I seem almost omnipotent in how I feel.
My feelings are the feelings of everyone I know, I've taken on the quirks of everyone I know, I feel their pain, I share their joy... I'm not sure if I have any of my own.
It's humbling to look in the mirror, and see your many faces and realize none of them are actually yours.
Perhaps in my humanitarianism, I've gone too far to adopt the lives of others into my own care to make sure they turn out ok. It seems I've given all of what was me and have been left with all of what was them.
Taking this into consideration, I'm not running.
I'm struggling to find my own shadow, but he's been gone for so long, I'm not even sure what he looks like... perhaps that's why I peer into every dark silhouette in hopes of finding something of meaning there.
I simply wish to know what I look like, if even just my outline.
Time can fill in the empty space.