dista

..so.......

...had the worst few weeks of my life, culminating with my gf walking out, never to return.

Of course, specifics are just idol facts for the unlucky reader of this here journal, but lets just say I deserve to be walked out on. More so, she deserves more than to be subjected to the type of crap I put us through.

Regardless, I have been through every state of mind in the last couple weeks. I've had the initial anger, followed shortly after by severe bouts of blankness ( this invloves laying flat on my back in the middle of the lounge room floor listening to Fugazi's 13 Songs as loud as it'll go without a single thought in my head- I have very understanding neighbours. ). I've had the depression that has really fuct my liver ( yall know what I mean...). I've been crippled by my mind's eye seeing her with another man..... and now? What do I feel now? Well, what the hell am I supposed to feel now?!?!

I go to work and do my j-o-b dilligently. I go home and cook and I clean and I sit on my ass and wonder what the fuck happened. Of course I know the answer to that, but, how did it get to that?
I wish it was all a reality tv show, big brother style, so I could rewind it and watch it over again, find those moments where it took a wrong turn.

Intrinsically, I think mostly we know when we're making a bad descision or taking a wrong turn. Yet there's so many contenders to logic.....especially if the on-the-spot descisions are the 'cross roads' or somewhat life changing, depending on the answer....

I didn't want to write this. I certainly didn't write this for sympathy because any that I would receive would really only make me feel more guilty about fucking this up. However, I started poking around on SG this morning, as one does, and thought maybe I could update in this manner and maybe it would be cathartic for me..... don't know yet if it will be...

...well that's all a bit of a downer, huh?!? I know- let's all go look at some real purdy ladies....