disdain

we lived like rockstars on couches dead center of god knows where. nothing we said was ever the truth. nothing we did was for real. four day coke binges and bonfires at half past noon. boones farm and st. ides and pabst blue ribbon. taking the train home to smoke pot at lunch hour. dawn always creeping in. playing music in dingy basements. casualties of circumstance and rumor. the sun attacked your face that summer, flash washed it out. we never knew why the color faded, it just happened.
then came the ice fights with bloody endings. nowhere to start meant nowhere to go. jobs with paychecks, still broke all the time. monsters, all. with bullshit happy smiles.

its cloudy. and its the middle of winter. and everything is gray, even when the sun comes out. and when i see her walking down the street shes wearing sunglasses. everything is still gray.
we stop. to say hello maybe. i'm not sure why and my head is buzzing from last night's tequila and i just want to get to the grocery store quickly. for gatorade and excedrine. i'm dehydrated. i need to sober up before work.
i remember looking at her for a long time, just staring. then i asked if she was fucked up. and she giggled and pointed out the time (1:09pm) and said of course she was. and then she told me that it was good to see me and that we should party sometime and i said yeah or sure and i was thinking no way. she walked away. and i watched. she looked so thin that i thought she might evaporate. maybe she would someday.