disappearhere

Well she's finally gone. She left today.
She kept saying she would leave. Said she would find a nice new apartment. Start a nice new life. Said I was bad for her. Hurting her. Said she had to leave.
I didn't understand this, the whole time it was I that thought of the way things could be without her. Better. Less complicated. But I suppose love is always complicated. Complicated and dirty. Dirty and frustrating.

I suppose we had fought more than most. I suppose I had been more rough with her than I should. I thought it was a mutual torture. A common thread that kept us together.

Today was the first time I had seen her that happy in what must have been months. To watch her made me smile inside and hurt all over.

This is all I remember.
I couldn't help myself. I had no control anymore.
This is all I remember.
My fist flew without effort. Struck her from behind hard against the ear.
This is all I remember.
As she fell I kicked hard into her stomach. She made a deep guteral sound as my boot sunk into her. Coughing and gasping, writhing on the floor. I screamed. Not in anger or fear. I screamed in pain. I screamed with her. I could feel our love had died. I knew it was too late to fix things.

That was all I could remember for the longest time.
I knew she had left me. I could feel her absence. I had no idea what went wrong.
As she laid there on the kitchen floor her mouth looked like she was still smiling and I said goodbye for the last time.
I don't know if she'll miss me or if I will miss her. It just had to end. She said I was bad for her. No one needs that.

The blued steele tastes so cold and stings my tongue.
I think of her smile one last time.