difranco

With the timid light echoing out of the bulb the only noise to hear is the low moan of the dial tone as i wait for anyone to pick up the phone. I'm not even trying to call anyone. But still i sense the cackle of despair urging me to admitt defeat.

Defeat in a battle of longingful lust over nothing, over no one. when ones gender and sexuality is up for debate what can one do bar sit there and take notes. I'm writing like an audience my thoughts upon their discussion, my voice is mute so i do not attempt to join in such intellectual and positively spiritual going ons.

I said last night i felt like i was always being put on hold for your life. having to listen to cheesey music thru the speakers as u step away from the conversation and happenings to interact with someone elses thoughts. my mind bubbles out of control and i have no choice but to resent caring for anyone and everyone. bitterness in the form of a pill it has an hourglass imprinted on its side.. you know what that means.. there is nothing but time there to determine when you are ready to snap.

Send me on a whirlwind of fairytale adventures to explain where my pain comes from inside. eight months without writing i feel the joints of my knuckles need oiling; i can hear the rustic screech of metal in despair as my fingers crunch down upon each key. my words are even rusty themselves, not knowing where to settle and whom to lie next to. almost like they are making friends with each other again after long months of silence.

Never was a cornflake girl - too right lady. surrender my heart in flames for carrie i could be. another kind away from the torrid crtique of the schools clientel.. it did scar much a plenty.



I think i shall dye my hair tomorrow if i wake before the sunlight hours are over. only so im blacker than this mottled warm brown black.
my eyes are swished and i have no vodka left, what am i to do.. hope eludes me..

so proud of one days speach i'd rather not start a new page for fear of losing my words. my foots gone to sleep and i think so has the rest of my body.. i feel pinched from all directions when considering the move from my chair to my bed. how unnerving.

tonight i wish for someone to climb into my big bed and hold me till mornin light so i can sleep in safe arms.null