diaphanous

where to begin....

i just got back from philadelphia today and i am a horrific wreck. i am so depressed...everything feels bleak...everything feels hopeless....everything feels agonizing. moving is impossible, i feel so slowed down and heavy. but mentally....my mind is agitated and nervous and angry and out of my control and i am just so tired.

i broke down in the airport today. i cried on the plane all the way home.

i don't cry.

i don't cry in public.

i just could not stop the tears. i can't muster up anything positive down here and all these dark horrid morbid thoughts are racing through my mind and i don't know how i will have the strength to get up tomorrow.

i can't concentrate on anything but i want to focus on something, anything to take my mind off the pain.

i am so sad. i felt like i was sending myself into dark cold exile far away from my friends and family again today to a place where i have no time for anything but work.

and i am so mad at myself for being weak. i chose this path and i feel like i am not deserving of being saddened or upset by the loss of everything dear to me.

all i can do as i write this is cry. please someone make it stop make it stop make it stop i can't live like this