dexy

i think i am having a mid-life crisis..
i turn 30 in a little less than 3 weeks. bah.
it's not that i am that concerned about it. fuck it... maybe in some ways i am older and wiser... maybe not.
you are as old as you feel. and i don't give a fuck what it says on paper but it's still a bit strange and scary.
i still feel like i am 15. well, god no...fuck that, i was funny looking then so i wouldn't wanna be that again.
but i get to see Lucero for my birthday
and i think my friend is getting me a kitten. i am gonna call it piggy.

she had the strength of a man and the heart of a child...
yeah.. i do.
i am not where i thought i would be at this age
who the fuck is?
i am many more places than i dreamt of
but there is part of me that is missing
or lost
or gone

i started feeling much better recently
but in some ways
my fucked up miss-firing brain and malfunctioning heart freaks out at the thought of actually feeling ok. glutton for punishment. (i can't believe i am admitting that... but it's true)
i just don't wanna be forgotten by him and i don't wanna forget him. that is the main thing. i don't wanna forget what it eels like to be in love nor be loved. cos it makes me feel alive.
but more importantly, it just feels good.

spent the night with him last week (i am not sure if i regret it yet)
it was an accident
but at the same time, it wasn't
"god, i fucking love you" he said
i just looked down at him and said "don't ever say it again"
cos i know
i know he does and hearing that kills me
but it's him
not me
that can't make this work

but we hid from everyone
like we do
there is a beauty in our hiding
phones off
empty flat
no one knowing where we are
but i guess that is hideous at the same time
cos people do know
they just ignore it
cos there is nothing they can do
we're both beyond repair.

spent a day in bed
lost in each other
i slept really well that night
and he insisted on making me breakfast
"cos you're only little" he told me
he's the only person i have ever let take care of me

everything was ok
til i got a text that said "are you dead or hiding somewhere you shouldn't be?"
i burst into tears and got all my shit to leave
only to find that the lock on the door decided to fuck off
leaving us locked inside
we laughed but both freaked a bit
i know both of us were thinking "this is our punishment"
but leaving is always the hardest
cos it's that fear of "this may be the last time"
last time should've been so long ago
but we're both sad and lonely
and no one else can seem to take that away.....

we drank on the street before hand
sitting on steps talking about life
how unhappy we both are
how we both wanted it to work
he told me i wasn't the same girl
and i said how can i be?
that girl loves you
and all it does is leave her in tears
i do feel lost...
and it's fucked up that i feel my best with him by my side
but i do
i believe in us
just not him right now
it's been almost a year since the first time he kissed me
that kiss turned my whole world upside down
and his
that is fucking scary

he apologised for being such a cunt
and being so angry at me for no reason
but he also kept telling me he loved me
which i ignore
cos those words are far too strong
but i let it slip about someone else
and i saw the look in his eyes
we're such a fucked up tale...

and he told me he can't even look at another woman
without comparing her to me
i will never tell that i do the same

cos apparently we feel differently.
allegedly.

but i am ok with that right now...
i guess
i am broody today
cos i have worked almost every night for like 3 weeks
i am home alone
and just feeling over tired and emotional.

i have unwillingly ignored some people in my life
making excuses
and unfortunately they feel like i am too busy for them
but really i am too scared to see people
cos i am unhappy
and admitting that to people that think you are really happy
is painful
and sometimes i hate to remind myself of the mistakes i have made
and that horrible feeling of admitting your smile is fake.

but i do smile...
occasionally
i do have loads to smile about...



and laugh


"a girl with red hair -
who skips everywhere -
she's got my soul, and i mean to find her."
Lapis Lazuli - Rowan Isaac

miss fortune
She is my miss fortune
and all the trouble we had
Whenever she is around me
I do something bad

Trouble is her lover
and trouble is her friend
Whenever I am around her
I commit a sin

Trouble is her love
Trouble-love
Trouble is her love

When I'm with my miss fortune
once again I'm the fool
I'm going to lost my composier
going to lost my cool

Should I let her decieve me
should I let her in
Once again she will tease me
once again I'll sin

Trouble is her love
Trouble-love
Dabba-laaha

Trouble is her lover
trouble is her friend
Trouble is her lover
trouble is her sin

Now, Mum and Dad, they always told me:
"Don't play with that girl"
Little bit they know that she can
show me the world
All those things, I was not to do
The one thing I know is that
my love is true

Trouble is her lover
trouble is her friend, oh-yeah
Trouble is her lover
trouble is her sin
Trouble is our love
Yeeah........

x dexy x