devilyn

Alright so is anyone interested in hearing yet another example of why my interactions with men do nothing more than contribute to my numbness and turn me off to people altogether? Well, here goes . . . So before I go into the hospital there's this guy that I had been seeing for a little bit. He was quiet but really sweet and all around a cool guy. He was taller than me and a pretty big guy, by no means perfect but I thought he was hot. To me someone's personality can make them more or less physically attractive to me but even before he opened his mouth he was hot. So anyway while I'm in the hospital he comes and sees me twice much to my horror cause of all the tubes sticking out of me and feeling anything but attractive. I make a comment to him about that while he's visiting and he reassures me that he doesn't care whicj makes me feel a hell of a lot better. I happen to be a very insecure person most times so trying my best to look good is really important to me cause it makes me feel better. I've actually improved greatly over the last couple years but I have my reasons for being so critically hard on myself and it's a real bitch trying to deprogram that mindset. That would actually be another reason for me doing this site and how trilled I am to read all of you guys' compliments all the time. It really helps. Anyway, I'm getting off track here. So I get out of the hospital and this guy is still calling me which is great cause I didn't expect anyone to be interested in me at that point so we get together and go out once. Just one time. And nothing goes wrong, I feel no weird vibes, he's not in a hurry to drop me off, nothing. Then he never calls me again. I call him 3 times or so and not only does he not answer but he doesn't return the calls either. Before he always answered and the one time he didn't, he called back right away. So I know something's up. And I'm pretty sure I know what it is cause I'm good at figuring out that shit. So I text him and ask him what thre fuck is up and he replies telling me that he's dealing with guilt that he can't handle and he's real sorry, he feels like anasshole and that it's better that i don'e understand - trust him. So I text him back telling him that I can pretty much read people's minds when it comes to these matters and that I do understand - it just happens to be one of those nasty shallow little things that both of us are too embarassed to come out and say. And though he claims it bothers him I don't even want to hear it cause it bothers me a hell of a lot more.
He replies with a "huh?'" and I came out and said that I'm perfectly aware that it's because I look different now, and I lost about twenty pounds, and my hair is short and black, and I can't always walk perfect because my feet swell up . . . And he says nothing. End of conversation. And all the work that I've put into telling myself that I'm okay and I don't look bad and my friends really aren't that shallow goes right out the fucking window. What a fucking asshole. I'm already picky about who I choose to let in my life because when I let people in I care more about their well being and happiness than my own. And i'm also fully aware that I'm quite emotionally vulnerable and it only takes a little to make me content and even less to send it all crashing down. And none of this is done in any snobby matter, believe me. I do this to protect myself. But apparantly even my screening process has holes in it because that situation is the last thing I needed to deal with right now. And I don't look that bad anyway. Fuck Him.