You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around......
It's a well known fact that bad things happen in threes (with the possible exception of a threesome
). Today I've had bad things happen in FIVES - oh shit, if I'm basing it on the whole three-common-denominator then that means I'm due another one before midnight 
1. My evil devil lenses are not happening
I have weird eyeballs and my current contact lens prescription has a wonky base curve which will not allow the company to supply me with them. Fuck poo bollox. The wearing of my new funky red, yellow and black eyeballs will therefore have to be postponed until I can con some poor unsuspecting optician into giving me a new prescription for that type of lens.....anyone got opthalmic connections?
2. My mobile phone is on the blink
Christ I paid 150 for my sexy little mobile a year ago and I swear it hasn't been working right from Day One. First to go was the battery charger, then it kept switching itself off....now, during texts, it will not provide me with capital letters or spacing without blood, sweat and tears. I am going to sue Samsung.
3. I smashed my favourite pint glass
It's lame that I have a favourite pint glass but I do. It has provided me with rehydration after many a serious night on the piss. I am attached to it. I wasn't even drunk when I broke it, I had just lovingly caressed it with water and washing up liquid and left it on the drainer to dry when the silly bastard toppled over and smashed into a million little slivers of glass. Boo hoo
4. I broke my vibrator
This is a tad more upsetting than the pint glass. These suckers just aren't built to withstand any kind of use or abuse. There is nothing more frustrating than having one stop working......trust me!
I'm hoping it may just be a dodgy battery connection, but unfortunately my favourite bunny has already been repaired once before (wiring issue), I'm thinking that it may have to go to pet semetary once and for all.....I might be getting new toys and it isn't even Christmas! 
5. I have developed an itch
Ha ha, probably from overuse of number 4. An itch I can't bloody scratch! I have developed a kinda spotty horrible rash on my neck. About a year ago I thought it would be a good idea to mess about with the chemicals in my body and as a result have acquired a perfume rash...it's not pleasant, it's not sexy, it's not kissable in the slightest and no amount of make-up will hide it....shit shit shit!
Anyway, one saving grace - at least I wasn't cursed with a name like the Brangelina sprog - does anyone else seriously pity that poor wee girl? Could they possibly have picked anything worse??????
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around......
It's a well known fact that bad things happen in threes (with the possible exception of a threesome
). Today I've had bad things happen in FIVES - oh shit, if I'm basing it on the whole three-common-denominator then that means I'm due another one before midnight
1. My evil devil lenses are not happening
I have weird eyeballs and my current contact lens prescription has a wonky base curve which will not allow the company to supply me with them. Fuck poo bollox. The wearing of my new funky red, yellow and black eyeballs will therefore have to be postponed until I can con some poor unsuspecting optician into giving me a new prescription for that type of lens.....anyone got opthalmic connections?
2. My mobile phone is on the blink
Christ I paid 150 for my sexy little mobile a year ago and I swear it hasn't been working right from Day One. First to go was the battery charger, then it kept switching itself off....now, during texts, it will not provide me with capital letters or spacing without blood, sweat and tears. I am going to sue Samsung.
3. I smashed my favourite pint glass
It's lame that I have a favourite pint glass but I do. It has provided me with rehydration after many a serious night on the piss. I am attached to it. I wasn't even drunk when I broke it, I had just lovingly caressed it with water and washing up liquid and left it on the drainer to dry when the silly bastard toppled over and smashed into a million little slivers of glass. Boo hoo
4. I broke my vibrator
This is a tad more upsetting than the pint glass. These suckers just aren't built to withstand any kind of use or abuse. There is nothing more frustrating than having one stop working......trust me!
I'm hoping it may just be a dodgy battery connection, but unfortunately my favourite bunny has already been repaired once before (wiring issue), I'm thinking that it may have to go to pet semetary once and for all.....I might be getting new toys and it isn't even Christmas!
5. I have developed an itch
Ha ha, probably from overuse of number 4. An itch I can't bloody scratch! I have developed a kinda spotty horrible rash on my neck. About a year ago I thought it would be a good idea to mess about with the chemicals in my body and as a result have acquired a perfume rash...it's not pleasant, it's not sexy, it's not kissable in the slightest and no amount of make-up will hide it....shit shit shit!
Anyway, one saving grace - at least I wasn't cursed with a name like the Brangelina sprog - does anyone else seriously pity that poor wee girl? Could they possibly have picked anything worse??????
VIEW 15 of 15 COMMENTS
How's the rash?
Do you get eaten alive by mosquitoes?
It may be a good thing the vibe is out of commission because if you continue to use it at the rate you have been, you will go blind. At least that's what they say.
As for the in depth descriptions.. I didn't get past the staring in disbelief (and interest - I admit it) stage to actually READ anything!