devil_bitch

Today. Well today I feel like fucking shit. Friday night my co-worker and compadre Liza got kicked out of her apt for a few hours because her older sister wanted to get her groove on with someone she should not be getting her groove on with. This made Liza very upset because the situation could be really fucked up. She is pissed at her sister for being so shady, selfish, and stupid. And she was also upset because she loves her sis so much and to see her put herself through that is torture. I am sure we have all been there with a loved one. So anyway she didn't have any place to go so I dragged her along with me. We stayed out till like 4 AM. Then I got lost after I dropped her off. I am not really that familiar with the North Kansas City are. I know how to one major road. That is it. It took me like an hour and a half to find my way home. Add to that I was stoned off my ass and should have been in bed asleep. I made it home around 5:20. The dogs were bugging me about going out. So I let them out. Now I couldn't go to sleep because the whiny little bitches would just want back in a few minutes. SO I sat there and waited....The oldest dog Kody he knows what's up. Went out, did his business, and came back in. The younger two (A two year old chihuaua mix and her 5 month on pup) were nowhere to be found. So I decide to lay across the bed. Just when I pass out I hear "bark bark bark ruff ruff ruff" and random jumping on the front door. These little fuckers are loud. So I gotta get back up, stumble down the stairs, and let them in. I get back into bed. Get naked this time . And the next thing I know I am being walked on by 8 little tiny wet cold paws. So I have to be an evil mommy and push the dogs of the bed. Don't you know the little bastards kept jumping up and I kept having to push them off. I am so so evil when I am sleepy and tired. Like Devil Spawn. I don't envy any man that lives with me. But I do make up for it with dirty kinky sex. LOL.
I finally fall asleep around 6 AM. I have to be AT work at 9:30. What time do you think I woke up? That's right 9:30. The alarm went off but I slept right through it. So I get to work around 9:50. I live close. I was downing coffee all day. I felt like shit. I tried really hard to be positive. Have fun with the customers and the day will go by faster. Anyway. SO I came home and crashed but ofcourse I had to get up and make dinner for the kiddo and the mommie. Now I have to go get cigarettes and all I want to do is go back to bed.

Right now I just feel so... and so all at the same time. When I am tired things affect me so much more. At least I got rid of the horniness. I have made so many realizations about me and men. There is too much to get into. Just that I need to stop pursuing sex and for once and wait for love. I have never ever really been loved, at least not to where I appreciated it or realized it. I have the attitude that no one is ever going to love me so I might as well get some ass when I can. I know real positive right. I just think of it as being realistic. I don't really think that the guy that I want and need is out there. Someone who completes me, someone who supports me, and who cares for me. That perfect partner. They're all taken or gay. Or the all want skinny girls. Skinny white girls at that. I have been told that if I dated my own race I would be happy by now. This is another issue that have dealt with my entire life. I am sorry. I am not overly attracted to black men. I feel guilty sometimes. Anyway there is too much. If anyone wants to discuss this with me further you can contact me.

My point being I have accepted that I am not that attractive. I have accepted that a lot of white men don't like to seriously date black women. I have accepted that not every one likes a big girl. (Jeez listen to that shite) I accept that there are a lot of things that I need to work on in me first. Before love can ever find me. I just have never been strong enough to deal with them. I have to face my problems. I have to understand why I hate myself so much and how to fix it. But it just scares me.... I don't think I really want to know why my head is as screwed up as it is.

I gotta go buy smokes. Maybe I will just drive around for awhile. I need someone to hold me while I cry. IS that too much to ask? Anyone want to offer a shoulder?