I make no apologies. I can be only me.
I have found myself becoming more and more honest, blunt, direct, whatever you want to call it. As I age I become more and more tired of the bullshit that so many people tend to give.
I have moments where I tend to regress. Like with men. I usually have no problem saying what I want until the actual moment comes along. I get stupid when it comes to men. I get angry with myself for not truly enjoying a sexual experience because I was too chicken shit to say what I wanted or if I was uncomfortable. Afterwards I am so mad at myself. I say next time I won't do it again. But I do. When it comes to men I tend to NOT say or do what I want but what I THINK they want me to say or do. I try too damn hard to please them and usually end up ruining myself and/or the relationship. Whatever form it has taken.
My friend Jen says I worry too much. I know this is true. I need therapy. Why people laugh at me when I say this I don't know. I am serious as a heart attack. Why does everyone tell me that I am funny? It pisses me off a lot because I get to points were I am crying out for help and for people to see me, really see me. I get told I am a drama queen and a faux punch or a laugh.
I worry so much about what men think of me. I stopped giving a shit a long time ago about how regular people viewed me. But the man thing I can't shake. I want so bad for someone to love me that I give away parts of myself. I thought that I had changed but recent events have showed me that I have not even begun to do that. I really need to work on that. This also shows me that as much as I want to be with someone I am still too fucked in the head for that to happen. I will never truly be happy until I can accept myself and my needs.
Also, as much as I may want someone I need to accept the fact that they don't want me. Not the same way. This is the story of my life.
Been listening to Tori Amos a lot. She helps my mind...So as
Tori says in "Leather"...
I could just pretend that you love me
The night would lose all sense of fear
But why do I need you to love me
When you can't hold what I hold dear
Oh god could it be the weather
Oh god why am I here
If love isn't forever
And its NOT THE WEATHER
Hand me my leather
No matter how much it hurts I can't compromise and sacrifice anymore. The time for selfishness has come. No more people pleasing.
I have found myself becoming more and more honest, blunt, direct, whatever you want to call it. As I age I become more and more tired of the bullshit that so many people tend to give.
I have moments where I tend to regress. Like with men. I usually have no problem saying what I want until the actual moment comes along. I get stupid when it comes to men. I get angry with myself for not truly enjoying a sexual experience because I was too chicken shit to say what I wanted or if I was uncomfortable. Afterwards I am so mad at myself. I say next time I won't do it again. But I do. When it comes to men I tend to NOT say or do what I want but what I THINK they want me to say or do. I try too damn hard to please them and usually end up ruining myself and/or the relationship. Whatever form it has taken.
My friend Jen says I worry too much. I know this is true. I need therapy. Why people laugh at me when I say this I don't know. I am serious as a heart attack. Why does everyone tell me that I am funny? It pisses me off a lot because I get to points were I am crying out for help and for people to see me, really see me. I get told I am a drama queen and a faux punch or a laugh.
I worry so much about what men think of me. I stopped giving a shit a long time ago about how regular people viewed me. But the man thing I can't shake. I want so bad for someone to love me that I give away parts of myself. I thought that I had changed but recent events have showed me that I have not even begun to do that. I really need to work on that. This also shows me that as much as I want to be with someone I am still too fucked in the head for that to happen. I will never truly be happy until I can accept myself and my needs.
Also, as much as I may want someone I need to accept the fact that they don't want me. Not the same way. This is the story of my life.
Been listening to Tori Amos a lot. She helps my mind...So as
Tori says in "Leather"...
I could just pretend that you love me
The night would lose all sense of fear
But why do I need you to love me
When you can't hold what I hold dear
Oh god could it be the weather
Oh god why am I here
If love isn't forever
And its NOT THE WEATHER
Hand me my leather
No matter how much it hurts I can't compromise and sacrifice anymore. The time for selfishness has come. No more people pleasing.
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At least I have lots of music to listen to while I am stuck here in the office!