devil_bitch

So giving up on the crush. I have given him my number. Let him now I was interested and all he can say is "I might call you sometime". Which to me means no. So he is still a nice guy and he talks to me and stuff. If anything he will be an interesting friend. I am done trying to find love. I am done waiting for it to find me. If one more fucking person tells me that "Love finds you when you aren't looking for it" I am going to jam a pencil through their nostril into their brain. I concede.

I just thought that once my mom was gone things would start to fall into place. It is funny how I have forgotten to live my own life and be my own person. I can't make any decisions for myself. I have no self confidence at all. I mean it was sort of bad before but now I have no clue about anything about me. I can do anything for someone else but nothing for me. It will all come with time. I know that all I ever do is fucking whine in these journal entries. Sorry. I really think I am starting to reach the peak of my grief and depression. At least I am done pretending that it doesnt bother me. No one can ever really have any idea how to deal with the loss of a loved one. Especially a parent or a child. I can only imagine what the pain would be like to lose a child. I hope to God that I go before my son. I couldn't bare to lose him. I think you can recover from the loss of a parent. Not from the loss of a child. I would die if I could never see my Ian's face again.

Happy weekend everyone.