deviance191x

i hate to be cliche, and a bit dramatic. and depressingly pathetic but i'm in love all over again.

it sounds incredibly rediculous and insanely childish, but ran into someone online who just happens to have reside on the other side of the country .

but this is the deal, and i know you think i'm stupid and pathetic and you've probably just lost all respect for me, but i figure . . .

for starts its taboo that you can't meet someone online, and i'm ashamed that i always condoned someone for it before, i'm ashamed that i'm afraid of what other people will think of me as a result of this as well.

i also think that when someone gives you butterflies and makes you smile because they exist and they're talking to you and you can read/see/experience all those quirky characteristics that you love and cherish, then why can't it be love?

he's made me blush, three times in one day, making it four times in my entire life.

i don't know what i'm trying to explain exactly, but i've reverted back into being a high school crush state. i can't focus in my class and i end up missing half of lecture. and i find myself doodling names and things that represent the person of my focus.

i don't even have the words to explain the way i feel. i feel like i've been living in a nitemare and that i've found the light at the end of the tunnel that will either change it into a dream or at least show me bare-ass reality and i don't know what to do with it. hell how can i feel fresh and awakened if i haven't in slept yet?

i can't sleep, i keep thinking about them and even if i do, (which is for minute periods of time, 10 minutes maximum) then i dream of them and end up waking up depressed and lonely and lacking love.

am i crazy? or starved for attention? or just being childish?

i want to cry because the distance, but at the same time i'm choking on the reality of the situation and it isn't even bitter sweet, it's just bitter and it burns my mouth with insatiable urges and uncapable longings and requests.

i can't tell if this love is a good thing, or if it's just another pain that i'll have to suffer through.

i just, for once am at a loss of words and it makes me want to vomit. this situation seems so unreal, i mean it is a strange situation but it just feels so god damn right.

it feels so much better than anything i have going for me right now, and i hate that i won't just get up and take control and get my ass over there.

it's not like i'd be losing much of value, and it seems like i'd be gaining so much more.

i'm pathetic.

-->deviance