This was not the month to give up both alchohol and coffee...I need one or the other right now. But once I get myself into these sorts of things I try to stick it out...plus, I have witnesses now. All y'all are going to be the only thing keeping me honest in this endeavor...isn't self-impossed guilt a wonderful thing?
I am tired of the post-holiday bills and watching other peoples' relationships implode...the latter gives me little hope or motivation for pursuing any kind of non-platonic relationship...something that I typically think I want until I start to actually watch those people around me struggle in their own. Struggle through what appears to be, to the outside observer, very simple moments in their respective existences I might add.
On the upside of things (and believe me, when I remind myself to take a step back from things the upside always seems to win out over the downside these days) I experienced Yerba Buena Gardens for the first time this past week, and after the rains, I randomly found myself there after "work" on Wednesday...and although this might sound a little too "Californian" for some people's taste, the encounter with the locale was almost spiritual. I think it was all in the timing (like all things spiritual), but the lighting, the scenery, and the serenity of the place all seemed to combine perfectly with the newness of it (for me at least) to create a distinct feeling that I was not on this earth...or at least not in this time.
I then proceeded to walk through the city to the Embarcadero where I meandered until one of my dearest friends got off of work, and then we spent the rest of the evening together until the moment I left her at the door to her next job around 8p. At which point I recieved the standard platonic kiss goodnight from her, which managed to (as usual) carry me through the rest of my night, and the next day, until one of the said relationship issues of a friend of mine managed to derail my euphoric state.
There is something terribly disheartening about watching a mature and educated individual in their fifties making the same relationship mistake over and over again. I mean what is it with people and their cycles of self destruction and self denial*?
On another happy note though, according to my annual intensive overnight hospital stay, during which I am subjected to various tests, I am in the best health I have ever been in. I think I am just going to pretend that the doctors actually might be onto something this time around, and just build on it. Both mentally and physically, I mean why stop while you're ahead?
Anyway, this might be the longest and most boring post in a long time, also, perhaps the most personal since I have joined the site. So I expect lots of profound responses from all of you...whether I know you or not.
Until next time...
P.S. I am thinking of volunteering at a hospice center in the Mission one day a week. Thoughts, comments, or warnings are welcome.
*Note: We all do this, no matter how fucking stone cold you are, or how much of a Zen Master you concieve yourself to be. I am expressily using the term "self denial" here to refer to the act, not of being in denial, but rather of making choices that deny ourselves something, and ultimately leading us away from actually obtainable levels of happiness.
I am tired of the post-holiday bills and watching other peoples' relationships implode...the latter gives me little hope or motivation for pursuing any kind of non-platonic relationship...something that I typically think I want until I start to actually watch those people around me struggle in their own. Struggle through what appears to be, to the outside observer, very simple moments in their respective existences I might add.
On the upside of things (and believe me, when I remind myself to take a step back from things the upside always seems to win out over the downside these days) I experienced Yerba Buena Gardens for the first time this past week, and after the rains, I randomly found myself there after "work" on Wednesday...and although this might sound a little too "Californian" for some people's taste, the encounter with the locale was almost spiritual. I think it was all in the timing (like all things spiritual), but the lighting, the scenery, and the serenity of the place all seemed to combine perfectly with the newness of it (for me at least) to create a distinct feeling that I was not on this earth...or at least not in this time.
I then proceeded to walk through the city to the Embarcadero where I meandered until one of my dearest friends got off of work, and then we spent the rest of the evening together until the moment I left her at the door to her next job around 8p. At which point I recieved the standard platonic kiss goodnight from her, which managed to (as usual) carry me through the rest of my night, and the next day, until one of the said relationship issues of a friend of mine managed to derail my euphoric state.
There is something terribly disheartening about watching a mature and educated individual in their fifties making the same relationship mistake over and over again. I mean what is it with people and their cycles of self destruction and self denial*?
On another happy note though, according to my annual intensive overnight hospital stay, during which I am subjected to various tests, I am in the best health I have ever been in. I think I am just going to pretend that the doctors actually might be onto something this time around, and just build on it. Both mentally and physically, I mean why stop while you're ahead?
Anyway, this might be the longest and most boring post in a long time, also, perhaps the most personal since I have joined the site. So I expect lots of profound responses from all of you...whether I know you or not.
Until next time...
P.S. I am thinking of volunteering at a hospice center in the Mission one day a week. Thoughts, comments, or warnings are welcome.
*Note: We all do this, no matter how fucking stone cold you are, or how much of a Zen Master you concieve yourself to be. I am expressily using the term "self denial" here to refer to the act, not of being in denial, but rather of making choices that deny ourselves something, and ultimately leading us away from actually obtainable levels of happiness.
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Anyway, good luck with the coffee, alcohol, wonderful women wanting to give you a kiss thing...just teasing...I say enjoy the little moments that make your life amazing and fuck all the bullshit...just live in the moment. Oh, and seriously good luck with the coffee and alcohol...you are stronger than I. I tried to quit drinking coffee and smoking at the same time once and only made it a day and a half before I wanted to kill someone and had obtained the most excrutiating headache.
good luck to you sir.
Don't let others ruin your euphoric state, no matter how close to them you may be.
Other's shortcomings shouldn't teach you about love, or relationships, you can only find that inside yourself. I do have to agree with you though, something wierd happens after physical contact between two people. Easy things become hard, and sometimes hard things become really really easy, like sacrafice. But, your right it is mind boggling what some people (my self included at times in my past) will do simply to maintane the physical side of a relationship.
To me it's about balance. Think about the balance you struggle with yourself physically, mentally, and spiritually. Then, imagine adding another human into that mix, and then add in their personal balance, and your mutually combined balance on all levels. I know for a fact that it's not easy, and to tell you the truth most people that fail have never come close to finding their own balance, so they ultimately pass the buck off to their lover, when you have two people like that together, they try and substitute their lack of self for a combined unity, it seldom works.
To tell you the truth I am totally happy with Mogwa, we have balance, and love.
But, the struggles I went through with other women in my past were very difficult, and at times I wonder how much I gave up of my own soul in order to try and find myself through others.
That is why I say don't let other's drag down your personal sense of happieness. That platonic kiss is no less beautiful then any other moment shared between two people, and it is yours, and yours (and hers) alone. No one should be able to take that from you!
talk to you soon kid.
(p.s. my computer needs to be sent back for a problem with it's brain. It's narcoleptic, and medication wont work for it, so it's time for some major surgery. If you don't hear from us for a while, that is why...)