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despairfactor

Canada

Member Since 2004

Followers 134 Following 85

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Sunday Jul 10, 2005

Jul 9, 2005
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So the BF and I just had a fight... I guess you could say it's our first. And yeah, I'm purposly writing this ALL here so he can see it.

So we're making out, and I accidently bit his lip... so what.. I sometimes get too into things... it's not like I did it on purpose. Anyways.., he gets all pissed off, and actually PUTS HIS HAND IN MY FACE AND PUSHES ME AWAY. Then he gets all mad at me... saying I should be more careful or whatnot. Making me feel even more stupid than I already do. I mean, it's embarassing enough to bite someones lip, then to have them freak out at you for it... makes it even worse.
So I just roll over to the other side of the bed, and I don't wanna talk to him... and then he gets all pissed off for that. " Why don't you wanna be near me?" blah blah blah. Which makes me feel even worse.
He has this AMAZING abilitly to make me feel like the worlds biggest idiot... which is basically what I'm upset about.

I do SO much for him... I drive him around, I ALWAYS go to his place... (and yeah, I know that his car is totalled right now.. but before that, I always had to go to his place), I rescue him from the beach when he breaks his foot, I take him shoe shopping, I hang out with his friends... and he does so little for me.... I feel like a fucking puppy dog following him around... honest.. I feel like if I needed him... he wouldn't be there for me.
And he always seems to be mad at me... I can't remember a day where I haven't fucked something up. Even if I ask him when he thinks he's gonna be done doing something, he gets mad at me for asking. Or that I plan everything... yeah... you might just be joking M, but it hurts me... you make me feel like I'm not good enough....
..... and then he told me today that I should stand up for myself when I'm angry, that I should tell him what I'm really feeling.... So here's what I'm really feeling... what I'm really angry about: the fact that he NEVER holds my hand in public, and he walks three feet ahead of me.... he won't touch me when he's around his friends... unless he's drunk, he always berates me, he talks to me like I'm two, I feel like anything I do isn't good enough, and all the things that I do for him go unnoticed. And he never compliments me.... just once I wish he would say "Oh you look hot today"... he did it once, and I just about shat my pants... and yes, I know I'm good in bed, and I have nice boobs... you can compliment me on more than just that..... I have nice eyes, and I'm a funny person too you know.
And I'm not the kind of person whos gonna get angry at you because you accidently bit my lip... I know it was an accident... and two, I'm terrified that he's gonna leave me. Why? And this is the main reason wy I'm angry Because I'm not good enough for him.
He already chose two other girls over me.....
And EPS/Ryan? That was nothing... because I realized what a loser he was, and decided I wanted to be with you... you were never second choice in my mind

Anywayes, that's it... that's why I'm upset... and I bet most of you are going to be like "well if he makes you feel this way... why don't you leave him?"
and my answer to you is because he is the only person who can always make me smile... and when I look at him... my heart just melts... and he makes me laugh, cuz he's sucha weird kid, and I love being snuggled up in his arms, and we have great conversations, and because besides my best friend Kristin, hes the only person who acctually understands me.... and he knows what I have when we play poker (who else could read me that good?), and because I would be a wreck without him, and basically because I don't want to leave him. Despite everything that I said above, he is the most amazing guy I've ever dated, and I don't want to lose what we have.... for the most part.. the good outweighs the bad.
And he makes me grill cheese.
VIEW 9 of 9 COMMENTS
unit12:
This is going to come out tottaly wrong I suspect but I have to try to say it. When a man, any man, treats a woman with that little respect, especialy when she treats him that well, I get pissed off. When a man treats a woman who happens to be a freind like that I have words with him. If those words don't convince him that maybe he should step back and look at how he's acting then things may get ugly. Why do I act this way? Because you NEVER treat a woman that way! EVER! People that disrespect someone who does that much for them should be removed from the gene pool. Better for the rest of us.

Now that I have that out... In all honesty this sounds like the begining of an abusive relationship to me. Tread lightly and don't stay with him because your afraid of being alone. You are a gorgeous and charming woman and you could find someone else in a day tops if you tried.

Sounds to me like he's likely going to read this. So I say to him... When Despair Factor and I ran in to eachother more often I was always a fan of her. I considered her if not a freind something very close to it. Consider this post my words with you. Treat her better or you'll lose her. If I ever meet you I sincerely hope you have taken that step back.
Jul 11, 2005
toneski:
He sounds like a total keeper.

Jul 12, 2005

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