desormais

mercie and i spent a nice day together today. it was good to get out of the house, hang out with her and our friend andy, and just be outside on such a gorgeous day. i actually ate normal food, which for me is a rarity, and i aired a lot of what's been bothering me lately. i've been in a total rut...being ostracized by employers and jerked around by girls i've to get close to, even in a friendly way is such a defeating process.

i've been living like a hermit for months, dwelling in my own physical problems, wondering when my brain might start to bleed and i'd die instantly. that's a long shot, but a very real possibility.

i haven't had serious emotional or physical contact with a woman in what's approaching a year; i used to always be meeting people online or otherwise, but apparently i've nigh completely lost my mojo, as it were. to be honest, despite her best efforts to cheer me up, i left mercie's car feeling more depressed than i previously thought possible. but being able to talk to some old friends (and xanax helps), i've really kinda found myself in a position to maybe possibly move on. or at least slowly claw my way out of this pit. i have to try...for my own sanity. her advice is to just be me and not force anything, and well, i'll try. i miss feeling like i make other people feel special, because that's what really keeps me going...even if i hate myself, i love the feeling i get when i make other people smile.

so i'm going to try...i really am. i hope to, anyway. so....anyone wanna fool around?