desormais

please check out mercie's pics, as she'll be selling them all nice and fancy soon. it was an interesting experience, seeing as i'm not a photographer, but we were totally naturals that day.

i want to tear my ribs out. if i have to have my lung operated on...jesus. i don't want to think about it.

and no blackouts, but i've been so...out of it. my already shitty memory has been reduced to ashes. I can barely even remember what happened an hour ago. i'm speaking in tongues. i can't get her out of my head. i can't get over the pain. i can't get over what mercie describes as my ability to keep up appearances. i can't believe all that money to make her happy so at least one of us is, even if i'm racking up amazing amounts of debt. (SO BUY THE FUCKING PICTURES. and no, merc, i'm not mad. it's just strange. i'd never do this for myself. you're there for me. so thank you. it's the only thing i can do for you :\ )

it's the weirdest mix of pain and sadness and overwhelming ennui. i can't move without pain unless i nearly overdose on painkillers.
i am far too emotional...i shouldn't have brought up people and events that just devalue my worth as a decent human being.





THE 5 AM EDIT:

another 3 hours of sleep. the pain is a fraction of itself and yet it manifests in such a way for me to always be in absolute misery. i want to end myself if this happens again. music is the only thing keeping me sane.


Buy Mercie's Prints!