desormais

rear ended someone. fuck. god i fucking hate everything. shoot me now.

OH, EVEN FUCKING BETTER? THE HOOD FLEW OFF AND SMASHED MY WINDSHIELD. FUUUCCCKCKKCCCCCCCCCKL;AJDSLADF;LJIK

i'm still alive. mostly.

hi.

i'm coughing up blood sometimes now. fun.
i stretched my ears in preparation for 5/8. i almost took my tongue from a 10 to a 2 to get it split; no dice. i think it's an 8 or 6 now though.

left 4 dead is amazing.

that's all.

still in immense pain. nighttime clinics are worthless. might have to go to the hospital if this doesn't improve.

anyway, instead of my usual dreariness, i wanted to write about something that fascinates me (as both a baptized catholic/ now agnostic, and loving mythology as a whole): that the "seven deadly sins" have demons associated with them. i love demons, monsters, you name. an awesome...
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hi. i'm not dead yet. just mostly. i live in intense pain with no drugs. i want to die.
how is everyone?

thanks for the well wishes. i'm still alive.
just really nauseous. oh, and i have pleurisy for about the 4th time in 3 months. it's the most excruciating pain ever. i think i'd rather have tuberculosis.

so yeah. that's all. hearts.

I'm probably not dying; I am, however, still really fucking sick still. Not as bad as in November, but I can't believe I still have whatever the fuck. and my chest is KILLING me, probably from anxiety sympathy pains for mercie. fuck.

that's all. i don't know if she gave anyone specifics about it. i know she asked for a diagnostician. i wouldn't be too...
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therapy was okay. didn't really touch on a lot of stuff, just intro information. at least the guy still seems really nice. it's gonna be a weekly thing; hopefully i won't be (as) crazy in a few months. hopefully.

everything else is pretty much crap central. i feel terrible physically (and yes, i may or may not be seriously ill), depressed as hell, no one...
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read my past journal. read it again. know you're dying. right now. and it's ok. but it's not ok. there is no ok. there just "is".

thank you, synecdoche; thank you, charlie kaufmann, for fucking me and mercie up. i'm already existentialist in philosophy, you didn't have to make me want to curl up and die. we had a cuddle fest. i think i mended...
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what was once before you
an exciting mysterious future
is behind you
lived, understood, disappointing

you realize you are not special
you have struggled into existence
and are now slippiing silently out of it

this is everyone's experience
every single one
the specifics hardly matter
everyone is everyone...

thank you.

someone convince me why i shouldn't put a bullet in my brain.
mercie, you would lose a friend but also lose an enemy at times; someone who constantly contests you.
my friends have mostly abandoned me, or i have abandoned them due to my social phobia and general laziness.
i am unattractive and have ruined every single relationship i've been in, justified or not. i...
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