desidia

If you try hard enough you can see through people. You can boil someone down to a single idea encompassing them entirely. Actually its easy to do this but almost all you see is redundancy, superflouisity so you choose not to.
All I see anymore is blood flowing, muscles flexing and relaxing over a series of calcium supports. Thoughts... are too fleeting, its exhausting trying to hold them like baubles.

Its just a world of cells reproducing and dying on top minerals eroding and reforming.

A person reproduces asexually, dies and is consumed by its offspring which reproduxes asexually and dies to be consumed, standing on sand that is melting and cooling into stone which is worn into sand.

I should really work towards being myself but something terrible will happen. And I won't be happy. I'll just be and thats frightening.

I should learn to be content with the masterpieces in my head I can never manage to put on canvas. Today I didn't paint a series with a pair of swans in each piece.

A pair of swans swimming in a lake of fire.
A pair of swans burned to death.
A pair of swans dissected open.

I couldn't come up with any nice ones.
The dawn makes me... more myself.

I never figured out how to talk to people. I can't hold a conversation. I can't express and idea to another person. It feels like feeding them words in exchange for others which I will use to create new thoughts of my own when I what I really want to do is share ideas.

I've stopped playing videogames for the time being. I stopped enjoying them long ago. I can't force myself any longer. The reason I played them was to suppress thought. Where a book, film or album is identical every time, video games are subject to minor changes and demand more concentration. They last longer than books or cd's as well.

My whole life has been about suppressing thought. A zen elightenment I abandoned long ago to search for something darker.

I should have got my 1st tattoo bigger
I never should have gotten my 2nd tattoo
I should get more tattoos

I wish I knew what to do with the late hours of the night now. I wonder what I should be doing...