desidia

Portland was good. should have been great but I'm not going to complain. It was good. Also Stormy is awesome. I should have tried going home with her harder but I am one of those stupid boys who makes plans with someone and even when that person says "My boyfriend who ran away came back but you can sleep on the couch" I sleep on the couch. Because I agreed to sleep there and you came to pick me up. I think I should start getting back into art. More into it I mean. Get over the guilt, hide the dead projects and move on with my life. Things were going my way, now I think they've stopped. I must have been happy there for a second because that usually when God picks up my hopes and goals and moves them onto a higher shelf.

And there's entirely too much love going on and none of it is the good kind.

Theres:

A) I told you not to fucking love me and I was a jerk to you sometimes just to make sure but you went and did it anyway.

B) You are amazing and make my heart soar but our love has hit an impassible wall and all we can do is wait for it to crumble and hope pray our fickle hearts haven't faded by then

C) You were the best thing that ever happened to me but you burned that bridge... or allowed it to burn anyway and you know it; and no, I'm not going to swim across even if you ask nicely because you wouldn't do the same for me.

D) You are a shitty friend and owe me money but I feel obligated (to myself) to be hopeful.

P.S. I believe I'm turning gray soon. Right now I don't think I feel the motivation to renew. I'm not asking but if you would like to renew me I wouldn't decline. I'm giving up on the night and turning in. Its time to escape reality/misery through sleep.