desdenova

I think I've come up with the action hit of the summer.
Tao of the Dead. Actually, that should read more like this:


TAO OF THE DEAD!!!!!!!


Buddha returns from Paradise when he figures out what he's been missing all along....
The warm, steaming meat and flowing blood of white America!
Yes! The peace spewing ethnic Santa Claus figure that America's patchouli purchasers embraced for so long is back!
No longer is Siddhartha content to hunger for knowledge, now he hungers for the flesh of the living (especially NASCAR Dads. All that beer drinkin' and couch sittin' makes for some tender vittles)!

Why has the slightly obese former enlightened soul returned to wreak havoc upon a generic, god-fearing American city?
Who cares?! This is a Summer Blockbuster! Just when all seems lost, when the hordes of blissful flesh eaters have surrounded the last few living who embrace their symbols of the second amendment with fear-palsied fingers too terrified to pull the trigger (See! A little social commentary too! Not much, we don't dare make the general movie going public think during their summer movies), who should appear? That's right! That long haired, cigar chompin' rootin tootin icon of American religious superiority! You guessed it! Jesus, motherfucker! It ain't the Rapture but Jesus (perhaps played by Jean Claude Van Damme; what can I say, Jesus was a horrible actor too. I mean he didn't even try to pin that whole "son of god" thing on one of the apostles. And why do you have 12 followers, if not to have 12 easy patsies to foist your crucifixion off on?) doesn't care! He's descended from heaven and brought with him peace, love and a chance for forgiveness.......
In the form of TWO FISTS OF FULLY AUTOMATIC, HOT LEADEN FURY!

Heathen heads will splatter and the people of white, Middle America will have the justice they deserve!

Look for a cameo appearance by God (brilliantly interpreted by Keanu Reeves) in a comic relief role (Yahweh! You shouldn't perform Shakespeare with the head of a corpse! You wacky Creator, you!), a heart stirring ballad performed by Mary Magdalene (tear jerkingly entitled "Even a Whore Can Kick Ass For The Lord") and Samuel L. Jackson as the token minority who is devoured in the first few minutes, possibly outside of a Popeye's Chicken
I'm considering including a monkey somewhere in there too. And if I throw in a monkey, I might as well find a place for an eyeliner decorated Johnny Depp (Look at what the combination of those two things did for Pirates of the Caribbean!)

In the end, Buddha is vanquished and Jesus ascends back to heaven on the soaring wings of a power ballad titled "I Kicked That Other Deity's Ass, Let's Break Out The Sacrament Wine."


Even better, this leaves ample opportunity for some hot sequel action. I'm thinking of having Jesus come back and lead the followers of The One True Faith into battle against the King of All Zombies (Better known John Smith. He told you that there was important stuff on those golden tablets, but you just wouldn't listen, would you?). I'd hate to give anything away as to the identity of The One True Faith, but Hollywood hearsay has it pegged as the Appalachian Snake Handlers.

Tao of the Dead...... I mean:

TAO OF THE DEAD!!!!!!!!
Coming this summer to a theatre near you!*

*Or maybe slightly later than that. I still have some pesky details to take care of. Like fund raising. And casting. And writing a script.