How I Spent My Friday Evening
By Scott Desdenova
Every so often, a night comes along where you realize that your time on this planet is finite. Perhaps this frightens you into introspection, causing life altering changes, or a newfound sense of duty. I might as well just let you off the hook now and admit that my Friday didn't have a hell of a lot in common with nights like those. Let's dig a little deeper, shall we?
My Friday began with a zesty meal, setting the bar for the remaining hours. The particular body and aroma of the Cheezits I consumed as an appetizer perfectly complemented the flavor profile of my entree. When matching Cheezits to your entree, there is one important factor to consider: Which brand of microwave popcorn do I have on hand? If your answer is Healty Choice, then you should imediately put down the Cheezits and pick up something more appropriate. Like a stick to smack yourself in the face with as punishment for buying LOW FAT MICROWAVE POPCORN. I myself went with a lovely 2004 Orville Redenbacher. It was indeed a good year for poppable corn kernels on the Redenbacher Vineyard. I washed down my repast with a robust glass of tapwater from the bathroom sink. I find that it is best to drink your tapwater from a glass, as opposed to slurping it straight from the faucet, as this is frowned upon in the better social circles.
What better way to end such a feast than with lively, intellectual conversation? This can be found simply by having a father who picks that particular evening to reacquaint himself with Hogue wine. For the sake of clarity, I will now present an excerpt from the handbook that my father read before the evening commenced:
Any reacquaintance can be awkward at the best of times. To ease this process along it helps to have your glass of wine in one hand and a bottle of Michelob in the other.
A good icebreaker for the intellectual conversation is to make a simple statement, something along the lines of, "Grrrr....mumble.....grumble futz," should do nicely.
Having found your way into such an easy repore, the next step is to ask for another glass of wine. Fresh vino in hand, it's time to start asking the serious questions, "How did I get so damn old so fast?" is perfect. Remember! You MUST demand a response to this question! At this point it is considered proper to complain about how all of your children are irritating. It is left up to the individual to decide whether or not they remember that the person they are speaking to is a product of the speaker's loins. Break periodically to express sentiments like, "You're a hell of a guy" or, "This is a damn good family." Ignore any looks of confusion. In the middle of what will be your final sentence (although your associate will be unaware of this in advance) lurch to your feet and stumble off to bed, flailing ineffectually at any light switches you pass on your journey. Congratulations! You have enriched th evening, NAY!, the very life of the person fortunate enough to be around you!
*End excerpt*
Around this time I achieved the expression of mirth commonly called "laughing your ass off."
On such a high note, I retired to the computer. Being that I had spent my evening in a high class fashion, I decided to end it similarly. So here I sit with a glass of port in hand. Perhaps "glass" is not entirely accurate. That should actually read "a three stooges coffee mug of port."
Indeed a finer evening could not have been enjoyed.
I am ,of course, lying.
And I wonder if it is possible to request a mulligan on 5 hours of your life?
By Scott Desdenova
Every so often, a night comes along where you realize that your time on this planet is finite. Perhaps this frightens you into introspection, causing life altering changes, or a newfound sense of duty. I might as well just let you off the hook now and admit that my Friday didn't have a hell of a lot in common with nights like those. Let's dig a little deeper, shall we?
My Friday began with a zesty meal, setting the bar for the remaining hours. The particular body and aroma of the Cheezits I consumed as an appetizer perfectly complemented the flavor profile of my entree. When matching Cheezits to your entree, there is one important factor to consider: Which brand of microwave popcorn do I have on hand? If your answer is Healty Choice, then you should imediately put down the Cheezits and pick up something more appropriate. Like a stick to smack yourself in the face with as punishment for buying LOW FAT MICROWAVE POPCORN. I myself went with a lovely 2004 Orville Redenbacher. It was indeed a good year for poppable corn kernels on the Redenbacher Vineyard. I washed down my repast with a robust glass of tapwater from the bathroom sink. I find that it is best to drink your tapwater from a glass, as opposed to slurping it straight from the faucet, as this is frowned upon in the better social circles.
What better way to end such a feast than with lively, intellectual conversation? This can be found simply by having a father who picks that particular evening to reacquaint himself with Hogue wine. For the sake of clarity, I will now present an excerpt from the handbook that my father read before the evening commenced:
Any reacquaintance can be awkward at the best of times. To ease this process along it helps to have your glass of wine in one hand and a bottle of Michelob in the other.
A good icebreaker for the intellectual conversation is to make a simple statement, something along the lines of, "Grrrr....mumble.....grumble futz," should do nicely.
Having found your way into such an easy repore, the next step is to ask for another glass of wine. Fresh vino in hand, it's time to start asking the serious questions, "How did I get so damn old so fast?" is perfect. Remember! You MUST demand a response to this question! At this point it is considered proper to complain about how all of your children are irritating. It is left up to the individual to decide whether or not they remember that the person they are speaking to is a product of the speaker's loins. Break periodically to express sentiments like, "You're a hell of a guy" or, "This is a damn good family." Ignore any looks of confusion. In the middle of what will be your final sentence (although your associate will be unaware of this in advance) lurch to your feet and stumble off to bed, flailing ineffectually at any light switches you pass on your journey. Congratulations! You have enriched th evening, NAY!, the very life of the person fortunate enough to be around you!
*End excerpt*
Around this time I achieved the expression of mirth commonly called "laughing your ass off."
On such a high note, I retired to the computer. Being that I had spent my evening in a high class fashion, I decided to end it similarly. So here I sit with a glass of port in hand. Perhaps "glass" is not entirely accurate. That should actually read "a three stooges coffee mug of port."
Indeed a finer evening could not have been enjoyed.
I am ,of course, lying.
And I wonder if it is possible to request a mulligan on 5 hours of your life?
VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
vikprez:
deal.
vikprez:
hey now, I didn't tell you to stand there, you did that all by yourself 