TW SElf Harm, ED's Etc.
So recently I've been struggling a lot and i used to let it out on Instagram but recently i feel like i can't be open and honest on there due to the people that now follow me because of modelling.
I love being creative in many ways, whether it's through art, writing or modelling and my aim has always been to produce artistic imagery but I've realised pretty quickly that the majority of people in the community don't care for art or at least don't act like they do. They want generic poses, generic facial expressions, generic lighting and while it's 'alternative' it's not that different from 'mainstream' modelling.
I have a severe emotionally unstable personality disorder, i self harm and i suffer from bulimia. I was actually mostly recovered about a year ago but then i started modelling and it's all gone downhill. I self harm now most days and I've become so painfully aware of my flaws due to the attitudes I've experienced. A lot if models care a lot about their appearance, they are preened and pruned to as close to perfection as can be achieved. I barely ever have the energy to put on make up. I'm messy and i'm flawed. I have scars, small burns and bruises covering most of my body. I don't care how people see me ( i do) but i never hide my real self from photographers, other models or from social media and honestly if i did i feel my work would be a lot more appreciated.
It's caused me to be so insecure that my real self is not wanted because 'sexy' imagery is more important to current day society.
I'm constantly feeling like i'm never going to get anywhere with modelling because i'm not perfect like other stunning models. I don't see the point in continuing sometimes. I look at myself and i see my curves, uneven boobs, horrible nose and unusual face and i hate it all. I hate everything about my appearance and now since modelling i hate my brain too because apparently my intelligence and creativeness is meaningless and no one wants to hear or see.
I've been called fat, have had people on social media question whether i have an eating disorder or not because i'm curvy. I should probably be more thick skinned and resilient to petty comments but a symptom of my Personality disorder is over sensitivity. I cannot help the way i react and i don't really know where to go from here.
It's gotten to the point where i can't make my money and log on to webcam because i can't bear to see myself.
i'm struggling and on the verge of quitting but i don't want all my hard work to have been a waste. I'm only 18 and I've only been modelling for a year and i'm constantly comparing myself to older, more accomplished models, cam girls and suicide girls and i forget that they all have 5 years + on me and i get myself into a rut and tell myself that I've failed everything already and it's just hard and I've needed to get this all out for a while now.
