I find myself up again at 4 am. I've been pacing for hours while reading two books, listening to some new albums, and only briefly taking a break to write down notes and order car parts. This is the me that I'm becoming. I'm not comfortable unless I'm doing multiple things at once, especially at night. Even at the bar, I love to focus on multiple conversations while enjoying my immediate company. It makes me look and sound like a horrible conversationalist, but it helps inspire new thought and keeps my brain occupied.
I've come to dislike eating big meals and even with the much smaller portions, I'm down to 1 1/2 to 2 meals a day. Don't get me wrong, I love flavor and eat a good variety of foods, I just hate feeling full. My family hates the weight I'm losing, but I'm happy I have some energy back.
Finally, in spite of my new-found insomnia, my shortcomings in relationships, and my questionable self care, I truly believe I'm making some good changes. Before, it was so easy to get into a rut where I get up, go to work, get off work, go to the bar, and sleep. While I still do those things, I'm working to become more than a working zombie. I'm learning about things that interest me, I'm trying to learn a musical instrument, and I'm seeing my life, not as the 9-5 until you retire schematic, but as a limited time opportunity to accomplish everything that I feel is important to me. I want to fall in love. I want to build a home for us, literally and figuratively. Most importantly, though, I want to have the adventure of a lifetime that I can tell to my children and my children's children, and then die with the satisfaction of a fulfilled life and the truth that life is what you make of it, for better or worse.
