demonesskage

Through my eyes, stare into me,
I bare my heart for all to see,
With my face turned to the sun,
Forever standing still.

I am slipping into depression. And I don't mean my usual sort where I'm home by myself and I'm thinking too much.

This is the real thing. I'm coming down from the three month upswing, and I'm going to come down hard. I can tell. Some reasons I beleive this to be true: First of all, I am listening to HIM. Yes, I know. Shameful. I am ashamed of myself, but I am also crying and crooning along with the music as I type. I am unrepentant. But blame Aegies for getting me hooked on it.

Another reason: I am drinking far far too much. Apararently I passed out mid-sentence while talking to someone on the phone last night. When I woke up this morning, I was still drunk. I think I might even still be a little drunk. That needs to stop, and it needs to stop now. Completely.

I've started having panic attacks again. I had two last week. I'm fairly certain this is due to the fact that I'm drinking constantly. I'm attempting to drown the things that worry me- and this is a myriad of things and would be far too long to list. If I stop drinking and fucking deal with them head on, they will stop.

Yet another reason: I want to be away. Away from here, away from home, away from work, away from SG, away from my friends, just sort of generally AWAY. It's days like this where I think about packing everything into my car and dissappearing forever. Driving as far as my car will allow me before breaking, before I run out of money. Literally, I almost called people this morning to tell them I couldn't see them anymore. Ever. Like alcohol, I crave it, but it's bad for me. And with no resolution in sight, I'm not sure it's worth the hangover anymore. I feel things too deeply. That is the main reason I drink. I drink so I don't have to feel anymore.

I'm tired of feeling. I wish I had a power switch, so I could just turn everything off.