There are very few things more sad then the emptiness in a home after the party is over and the revelers have all gone to seek out thier own beds and lovers. The counter tops are littered with empty bottles, cans, and the half-devoured corpses of left over pizzas. It reminds me strangely of a battle feild. Lounging on my couch in the deliberate gloom and mechanical coldness, I can almost hear the bright laughter of the night before, and previous parties. The memories of people exsist behind my eyes as bright spots of color, kitchen florecents glinting off the glass bottles or ever-present red disposable cup. It is in the center of these exquisite swirls of color and sound that I am happiest.
And the next morning when I am alone again is always the worst. Even that is not so bad as waking up next to someone in the morning, and feeling the akwardness of the whole thing wash over you. You laugh about it- we were so wasted weren't we? Wow. Can't remember anything too clearly. But that's a lie and you both know it because you remember everything. And that, akward and painful though it is, is still not as bad as the long drive home after that, when you are alone with only your thoughts and the highway stretching out before you.
We've all had nights like that, and certainly the mornings after. Sometimes they are the remnants of fun, sometimes they are painful reminder of bad decisions. Regardless of which scenario applies for any given night, the aching hollow in vicinity of my ribcage is still there, and yawns ever larger. Sometimes it wells up into my throat, and I force it back down, and force my face into the painful rictus of a smile. That is what people expect of me, so I shall continue to do it. I shall continue to comfort my friends who need me, to give the best advice I have, and never follow the advice myself. The only one who would ever hold me while I cried for the darkness to go away is estranged from me now. At times like this I miss that comforting presence very much. It can be hard to hold others up, when you have nothing to brace on. Paste on the smile, girl.
And the next morning when I am alone again is always the worst. Even that is not so bad as waking up next to someone in the morning, and feeling the akwardness of the whole thing wash over you. You laugh about it- we were so wasted weren't we? Wow. Can't remember anything too clearly. But that's a lie and you both know it because you remember everything. And that, akward and painful though it is, is still not as bad as the long drive home after that, when you are alone with only your thoughts and the highway stretching out before you.
We've all had nights like that, and certainly the mornings after. Sometimes they are the remnants of fun, sometimes they are painful reminder of bad decisions. Regardless of which scenario applies for any given night, the aching hollow in vicinity of my ribcage is still there, and yawns ever larger. Sometimes it wells up into my throat, and I force it back down, and force my face into the painful rictus of a smile. That is what people expect of me, so I shall continue to do it. I shall continue to comfort my friends who need me, to give the best advice I have, and never follow the advice myself. The only one who would ever hold me while I cried for the darkness to go away is estranged from me now. At times like this I miss that comforting presence very much. It can be hard to hold others up, when you have nothing to brace on. Paste on the smile, girl.
VIEW 10 of 10 COMMENTS
It's horrible to be alone, as we are social creatures.
It's horrible to be estranged from one who truly supported and cared for you.
Worse yet is the fear of losing other connections and kindred souls for the loss of that estranged person.
My sister had a friend, whom she met through her ex-husband... notice the past tense on both of those?
Why does it have to be that attachments can come apart so easily and take so long to form?
That is the tragedy. We have a finite amount of time on this Earth, and infinite ways to make that time miserable.
On the smile issue: to give someone a smile is karmically good, moreso than being honest and open to someone who isn't close enough to understand your current mood. A false smile given with good intentions is better than honesty given without consideration for the distress you might engender. Categorical imperative and Kant, wot wot.
and besides....i imagine you look just as gorgeous not smiling as smiling.
and sometimes being alone for awhile...just helps to make it better when your eventually with someone.