demonesskage

So, it's my birthday in just under and hour. I'll be twenty-five, a quarter of a century old. Joyous. So I sit home alone drinking beer. I do not feel this is a milestone that requires much celebration. It is just another year. Quite frankly the farther I put the past behind me, the better. Perhaps my twenty-fifth year of life will be significantly better then my previous two years, which were little more then an incredibly long chain of bad luck.

Things I have to look forward to in this new year of exsistance: I have made a lot of new friends, a select two of which are more precious to me then anything. I'd be lost without you guys, honestly. There are also two old friends present here whom the same applies to.

Things are looking up at work. My managment team have told me that they are consistantly impressed with my continued improvement. I was the most sucessful of our store team of artists this weekend in piloting our new chair time program. I'm next in line to attend Color Encore, an advanced color artistry class which will be held at FSC in San Francisco. They are not sure when the next one will be scheduled yet, but when it is, I am definately going. I deserve my Color Expert pin. I feel I've earned it. Just like I feel I'm well on the way to earning my raise when my Specialists fill out my review at the end of the month. Also, business is finally picking up, and my scheduled hours are increasing slowly but steadily. My semi-annual bonus also pays out the first check in August. Let us hope that all of this together means that I will not be quite as broke as I have been. I'm tired of it.

To be honest as well, I'm very tempted to try and get a promotion outside of Sacramento. New York, San Francisco, I'd even take LA. I just want to get the hell out of here. Nothing against anyone here- I love you all. There are just too many bad memories around every corner. I'm tired of running into people from school and having them ask after my sister, only for me to have to tell them she's gone. I'm tired of walking through my parent's house and feeling the ghosts of memories there, of my sister and my puppy, of my first car, of the mental breakdown I had years ago, of three years of alcoholism, of all the things that could have gone right and didn't, of the horrible mistakes that I've made over the years.

I may very well just be running away again, although this time I hope that's not true. I've been working very hard to claw my way back up. Even though my proverbial fingers are bleeding where the nails have come off, I continue to climb teeth set and grinding against the pain.

I want to start over somewhere else. I have come to understand that the emptiness I often feel can only be taken away through the hard work that I put into my job everyday. On a busy day where I've had a lot of sales, I come home tired, but happy. And I am so very rarely happy anymore, especially outside of work. And I am never happy when I am alone. I do so desperately hate to be alone.

My apologies. I meant for this to be a celebration of things that I have to look forward to, of which there are many, not more grieving for things gone awry. I am however prone to fits of melancholy here and there, and on my birthday I think I am entitled.

I would like to thank Aegies for finding me a copy of Intelligent Qube to play on my PC. It is one of the few video games that I will admit to loving.

PS: For those of you in the dark on the previous entry, you may or may not find out in due time. Regardless, the good luck wishes were greatly appreciated and felt the whole way through.