Today, after removing some people on my list, for non personal reasons, I threw away, or donated rather, most of my clothes away.
Usually, my hair would be next to go, but seeing as how I dont have as whole lot...Ive been steadying myself from my new haircutting scissors.
Its ironic really. Not feeling social, yet removing some people that I didnt talk to much...it makes no sense really.
Lately, Ive had this feeling in my chest, that is like anxiety, only far more painful.
It is one of longing...actual longing.
I long for something different...something new, and worth while. And while, it may be considered a good thing, since it shows that I actually do care for something..it is a bit disheartening. This is mostly, because it leaves me with doubt.
I rarely doubt myself..ever. However, I am doubting my ability to create something else for myself. I want to hurry up and finish my BA already. This is why I am attending classes this spring and summer...so I can get on with it.
Part of me, wants to go directly to Europe to get my MA in Archaeology...but I know if I have to go to school right away Ill kill someone.
I'd like to work full time and have a normalish life, as best I can. But not at the usual places.
I want to work in retail or something similar in those seedy places...in sex shops, fetish stores. Or even tattoo places, that would be the best ever...if only they werent so scenestery.
Id like to create. Create my installation art that likes to spread itself along my journal/portfolio pages. Create so much.
But at the same time...I long to be buried in musty books, reading Latin and doing my MA thesis in some odd little place.
I know there is time. But I dont want to wait. I love Victoria...but it is so new.
I want to travel and go on a pilgrimage through Britain, Spain, France, and Italy..to see the relics and their reliquaries.
I hate feeling Torn. Trapped by poverty and school. By social binds, by meaningless relationships. By my own naivety that spreads so fast, like a plague into ever crevass of Me.
I dont expect a handout. I dont expect some sort of miracle. I know I have to do it alone..because in the end..I will appreciate it all so much more...but sometimes...it is so hard. Its like my Favorite Aesops fable...minus the lying. Where the donkey is burdened with salt..so he falls into the river to lighten his load. And ends up with more on his back than he ever expected.
At times...I can really feel myself unfurling.
Auden says it so well...and this lends itself true to every area of my life:
O, Plunge your hands in water
Plunge them in, up to the wrist
Stare, Stare into the basin
And wonder what you've missed.
....D
Usually, my hair would be next to go, but seeing as how I dont have as whole lot...Ive been steadying myself from my new haircutting scissors.
Its ironic really. Not feeling social, yet removing some people that I didnt talk to much...it makes no sense really.
Lately, Ive had this feeling in my chest, that is like anxiety, only far more painful.
It is one of longing...actual longing.
I long for something different...something new, and worth while. And while, it may be considered a good thing, since it shows that I actually do care for something..it is a bit disheartening. This is mostly, because it leaves me with doubt.
I rarely doubt myself..ever. However, I am doubting my ability to create something else for myself. I want to hurry up and finish my BA already. This is why I am attending classes this spring and summer...so I can get on with it.
Part of me, wants to go directly to Europe to get my MA in Archaeology...but I know if I have to go to school right away Ill kill someone.
I'd like to work full time and have a normalish life, as best I can. But not at the usual places.
I want to work in retail or something similar in those seedy places...in sex shops, fetish stores. Or even tattoo places, that would be the best ever...if only they werent so scenestery.
Id like to create. Create my installation art that likes to spread itself along my journal/portfolio pages. Create so much.
But at the same time...I long to be buried in musty books, reading Latin and doing my MA thesis in some odd little place.
I know there is time. But I dont want to wait. I love Victoria...but it is so new.
I want to travel and go on a pilgrimage through Britain, Spain, France, and Italy..to see the relics and their reliquaries.
I hate feeling Torn. Trapped by poverty and school. By social binds, by meaningless relationships. By my own naivety that spreads so fast, like a plague into ever crevass of Me.
I dont expect a handout. I dont expect some sort of miracle. I know I have to do it alone..because in the end..I will appreciate it all so much more...but sometimes...it is so hard. Its like my Favorite Aesops fable...minus the lying. Where the donkey is burdened with salt..so he falls into the river to lighten his load. And ends up with more on his back than he ever expected.
At times...I can really feel myself unfurling.
Auden says it so well...and this lends itself true to every area of my life:
O, Plunge your hands in water
Plunge them in, up to the wrist
Stare, Stare into the basin
And wonder what you've missed.
....D
VIEW 22 of 22 COMMENTS
*sigh* its so hard having so much ambition in life aint it?
love random you dont know but girl who thinks your pic looks cool