delusion

i had a fucking fabulous day. i got that $10,000 scholarship. i will probably never again become 5 figures richer in the course of a day. maybe it is the endorphins but for a girl who is generally a pretty morose motherfucker, i am so purely & genuinely happy. i have a tortured writer's soul but really a pretty amazing life. my boy (soon to be my husband) anguishedlove is literate and stylish, kissable and quiet, encouraging and passionate. he has believed in me from day one second one. when we first moved in together i couldnt hide my piles upon stacks of writing anymore and he read them & told me that i had "a responsibility to do something with my talent" but i was too scared. he did something with it for me. i got a phone call randomly telling me that i had won a literary contest i hadnt entered. except for that i had. well it had been entered for me. from that i got an agent. then once i felt suffocated by my agent he encouraged me to leave, though he knew that it would mean a financial struggle. i am horrific at interviews because they make me nervous and when i am nervous i cry. needless to say, this does not generally result in any desirable impression being left on the interviewers. this scholarship was so important to me & he was there every step. he helped me pick my outfit. he drove me to school. he held my hand from car to office and sat in the waiting room while i interviewed. but mostly, he told me over and over that i deserved it. he made me believe. i didn't cry. in the face of a panel of strangers. he is the air in my lungs.