delores

work was horrible. tried to hold back tears the whole time.

my heart hurts, and i dont know how to stop it.
i'm so lonely and i wish i knew how to fix it.
i feel really stupid.
i've been trying to fill a hole in me, i've been trying to fill it with the most stupid and totally wrong things.
i dont know what the right things are, but what i've been doing certainly isn't helping so they must be wrong.
i've got to learn to not get my hopes up about anything anymore. i've got to learn not to let people under my skin. i'm becoming horribly jaded, and i hate it.

i feel like i've had some good things in my life, and they all have gone away. i dont know exactly why, but they always do. everything i've ever set my heart on has gone away. i dont know how to make them stay. i dont know how to make anything work.

i wish someone would love me for who i am, what i am, right now.
not for what they want me to be, not for what they think i could be some day.
not because they want to save me or fix me.

something is wrong with me. i think i need to see someone about it. i think i may actually need to be taking something for this, cause it just wont go away. i hate that idea, but i'm sick of being sad all the time. i'm sick of feeling worthless. i'm sick of having to dull my brain, to distract myself to keep myself from crying.

i miss being held at night.
i miss good, tight hugs.
i miss being kissed in the morning.
i miss holding hands.
i miss hearing "i love you".
i miss knowing it's for real.