i dont know what's wrong with me this morning. i just finished making my flash cards for tonight's lesson...it takes for-fucking-ever! and i just sort of started whimpering at the end, like pathetic, not quite crying shit. and i dont even know why. (by the way, i'm listening to Etta James, and that doesn't help much.) i think it's a combination of being exhausted, frustrated, scared, feeling out of place, intimidated and all that shit. the teacher intimidates me to no fucking end. when i'm intimidated i just cant open my fucking mouth. i had two questions tonight and i couldn't even bring myself to ask. i need to get the fuck over it. he's responsible for decideing if/where i get a job, and i need to show him some spunk or some attitude or something.
i'm also feeling quite stressed, lonely, horny, confused and worn out all at the same time. this has been the most exhausting week of my life so far.
i really want to just go and ask him if he thinks i even have a chance at getting a decent job before i pay the rest of my tuition. cause if he doesn't think i'm going to make a good bartender, i might as well save myself the $170.
he probably thinks i have zero personality. and that really pisses me off...i can tell he's one of those guys who respects mouthy chicks. he's an italian nerdy punk from New York....he's gotta like the girls w/ some attitude...
i just feel really uncomfortable in that place...it kills me cause i DO have a fucking personality! when he's in the room i get all quite and mousey...blech.
it was the same way with this gorgeous guy i worked w/ last year, Mark (*swoon*). not only was he hot, he seemed like a really cool person that i'd probably get along with real well.
in about a year, i said maybe, 10 or so words to him. i can remeber wanting to go up to him and starting a conversation and i just kept circling the area where he was and eventually i just started sweating and shaking like no other... he was just one of those untouchably cool people that you would kill for them to just know you exist.
i did get to the point where he'd see me in the mall on lunch or something and he'd say hi or how's it going? or whatever...but never got to that whole friends-at-work thing...
it's exactly the same with the teacher. i dont find him nearly as attractive as Mark, but he has a great style and he's incredibly knowledgeable about what he does...
i just cower in the corner like a fucking little mouse, when i should be a loud-mouth, who can dish out as much as he does... he'd probably respect that a whole hell of a lot more.
i'm sorry for the fucking stupid, obsessed spiel (sp?) about this garbage. it just has me worried that i can break out of this quite mouse bullshit.
argh!!!!!!!!!!
i'm also feeling quite stressed, lonely, horny, confused and worn out all at the same time. this has been the most exhausting week of my life so far.
i really want to just go and ask him if he thinks i even have a chance at getting a decent job before i pay the rest of my tuition. cause if he doesn't think i'm going to make a good bartender, i might as well save myself the $170.
he probably thinks i have zero personality. and that really pisses me off...i can tell he's one of those guys who respects mouthy chicks. he's an italian nerdy punk from New York....he's gotta like the girls w/ some attitude...
i just feel really uncomfortable in that place...it kills me cause i DO have a fucking personality! when he's in the room i get all quite and mousey...blech.
it was the same way with this gorgeous guy i worked w/ last year, Mark (*swoon*). not only was he hot, he seemed like a really cool person that i'd probably get along with real well.
in about a year, i said maybe, 10 or so words to him. i can remeber wanting to go up to him and starting a conversation and i just kept circling the area where he was and eventually i just started sweating and shaking like no other... he was just one of those untouchably cool people that you would kill for them to just know you exist.
i did get to the point where he'd see me in the mall on lunch or something and he'd say hi or how's it going? or whatever...but never got to that whole friends-at-work thing...
it's exactly the same with the teacher. i dont find him nearly as attractive as Mark, but he has a great style and he's incredibly knowledgeable about what he does...
i just cower in the corner like a fucking little mouse, when i should be a loud-mouth, who can dish out as much as he does... he'd probably respect that a whole hell of a lot more.
i'm sorry for the fucking stupid, obsessed spiel (sp?) about this garbage. it just has me worried that i can break out of this quite mouse bullshit.
argh!!!!!!!!!!
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[Edited on Sep 17, 2004 1:02PM]