delores

"As if to knock me down, reality came around, and without so much as a mere touch, cut me into little pieces."

so yeah, it's over. i feel like a piece of me is gone inside...man, that sounds corny, but i feel a little hollow. not completely hollow, but a little hollow. a little piece of me is gone.
it all ended last night. after 5 days of the silent treatment (and not even knowing what for), i got my friend Autumn, who knows what it's like to have psycho-girlfriend feelings, to take me to roland's at like midnight. he was very stoned, and when i tried to talk to him, he wouldn't even try to listen. he was mean. the last time i got back with him, he promised me that he wouldn't hurt me again, but he did. he just didn't break up with me, he was mean about it. really mean.
i went home, and took 4 sleeping pills and chugged 2 wine coolers. i took down the tulips he gave me for valentine's day. i put them in a bag and crushed them, all the while sobbing like no other. then i tried to take down the dried bouquet of flowers he gave me the first week we dated (actually he gave them to me the morning before we had sex for the first time), but i just couldn't. i took them off the tack, and just started shaking. i couldn't do it. so they're still there. a little later my mom's friend Sabina (who is actually closer to my age), called her in tears and needed a ride to her parent's house. i went w/ my mom to get her. she was fucking hysterical. her boyfriend threw her out of a moving truck and she has a huge welt on her head. she was screaming and thrashing and sobbing. after seeing that i felt i really had no reason to even be crying.
once i got home, i played on my media player for a bit, until i felt really fucked up (on the sleeping pills), then i went to bed. it was actually nice not to go to bed sobbing, and not toss and turn.
i was supposed to go see Fahrenheit 9/11 and pick up some applications w/ my pal kristin today. but she e-mailed me and wants to do it tomorrow, later, so she can exercise tonight and tomorrow...so that means i have to entertain myself today and that i wont be picking up any applications.
i'm way too fucking exhausted from all this shit to do that anyway. my eyes hurt, i'm holding back tears, although i dont have to try so hard. the verve pipe's The Freshman just came on my media player, so now it's a little harder, one of those songs....
i'm just trying to prepair myself, trying to make myself strong again. i need to not grovell like i usually do. i cant let it go for 2 weeks, then agree to hang out w/ him, and let him slather on his shit about how i'm so beautiful and he misses me and he just wants to kiss me. argh!!! it always happens, and i fall for it every time, and i just cant this time. if i do i will have no shred of self confidence or self respect left.
but i'm really scared of being alone again. i was alone for years. my last boyfriend was when i was 15. my last kiss was when i was 16. then i went years w/ nothing, aboslutely nothing. then he walks in...turns everything upsidedown, and i get used to it.
now i dont know what to do with myself. i'm afraid that when i talk to him again, i wont be able to walk away...fuck. i hate all of this!
i need something to get me over him quickly, or else i dont know what pathetic things i'll stoop to for him.

i love him so much, but this time it really is over.