Today really has shown me how pessimistic and cynical the last 3 years have made me. I've never been rather good at being alone as I tend to dwell upon the past far too much.
However today I spent approximately 6 hours reading in Hyde park, alone. This has really unveiled my eyes as to quite how down and out I have become in recent years. So cynical I have become that when a young lady smiles at me and motions for me to join her for a drink that the 1% of me that says I shouldn't go is the 1% that I listen too. Instead of sharing a drink and making a new friend, I sit and continue to read, contemplating on what could have been if I had said yes....
My mind no longer holds much joy for me, all the joy I have is that which I gain from making other happy or purely helping them out. I crave company, as above says, I am not great when left alone, and I have been alone for a few years now. Still people says time heals or at least helps, one can only hope that this is correct, although I do not believe it to be so...
I need a change, I can only hope that moving to Manchester and starting afresh at university can grant this to me. If I do not succeed in changing my out look then I fear for my sanity and my future.
Del
