delirium004

so getting on this site ruined my night. well more ruined at least. i don't know what to do with myself right now. there's so much shit going on. i have exams this week which is the least and the most of my worries. i guess most because i have to do good on them, but least because it's nothing in my actual life. actual life is damn shitty. here's a little overview. i have 2 people that mean a lot to me..that hate me. they're both pretty much not talking to me right now and i guess i deserve it but it feels like shit. i've fucked them over and i guess it's coming back to kick me in the ass. i have to go to the doctor to get a test for something..which i hope goes well...in addition to finding out why i have these really bad chest pains and then i have these weird random sharp paralyzing pains in my shoulder region. my mom fucking moved after she ran out of money, and i don't know where she moved to and she didn't give me a number to get a hold of her. i haven't seen her since before thanksgiving and im really fucking worried about her. i don't exactly have much going for me at the moment. nothing is turning up for this motherfucking holiday season. they say this is the most depressing time of the year and i can fucking see why the damn suicide rate is so high. fuck. i have nothing to look forward to this year. fuck all this. why's it all have to happen at one time? why do people have the right to fucking ruin my llife, or anyone's at that? i want to just cry and feel sorry for myself. i want to just laugh it all off. i want to just dig and hole and lay in it. i want to just see that things could get better. i want to believe in all of this, but i can't. fuck this