delilahbrat

well, last night was bad... i had a breakdown that i almost called my mom at 2:30am to come take ava so i could admit myself for a little "vacation"... there is so much going on in my head right now, that i try too hard to fool everyone that i am happy and that theres nothing wrong... i guess i just kept it in too long and it just exploded... i just sometimes dont how how much more i can take...

yesterday i had a follow up doctors appointment... the cyst isnt bothering me too much right now which is good... but i found out that, once again, my pap results were abnormal... the doctor is concerned because i have had them in the past but havent had anything done about them.... i have to call and schedule a cervical biopsy... the hospital i went to when i was pregnant has a big suit against them regarding not giving out results of abnormal paps... i know this firshand because i didnt find out until 8 weeks after i had my daughter that "oh yeah, your results from your last test was abnormal, so we have to do another one on you".... then when i called to find out the results, id be given the runaround about not finding my results, etc... i quit calling and never found out my results... i am sure that if it was abnormal for the test before, and the test i just had recently, that it was most likely abnormal as well.... i think i am going to call and get my medical records... i am scared to death of this biopsy... my mother told me she had one, they found and were able to remove pre-cancerous cells in time.... my aunt, however, had a higher stage and ended up having a hysterectomy... theres just so much on my mind right now... i know i shouldnt worry, but with everything that has been going on in my head, and now finding out this.... its just hard....