deliamber

I am *sooooo* motherfuckin' sick of trying to type on this laptop. I have been living here a YEAR in may in my shitty, subaverage, half-finished basement and have STILL not been successful in making this network functional. I think I am just going to say the hell with it soon and get my own line run into my little hobbit hole. Then I would never have a reason to surface..... <blissss>

I am awfully weary of breathing again, lately. That is a familiar statement to those of you who know me, but you also know that it's not meant to be melodramatic. Quite the contrary, it is matter-of-fact; I am just so utterly bored by pretty much everything these days. Even rollerskates and peach candy and sushi and cherry lollypops and lovely nekkid girls and evil faeries and pretty yarn at half price and the fact that I am going to Hawaii in 13 days for two whole weeks and might actually not starve there thanks to some excruciatingly sacrificial saving tactics are not enough to really even quicken the pulse.... Is this growing up??? Once you get tired of all your youthful indiscretions, this is all that's left??? I've even tried to go back in time and go party and hang out and dance etc etc etc, trying to remember what it was that made this whole life thing so sparkly.... and I just got bored and sickened by the people around me (see prev journal entry for applicable rant).

I am waiting for the miracle..... still waiting for the miracle to come. I am 25. The year I took off from school has turned into 7, and I don't even think I *want* to be a doctor anymore. I just want my own little house with all my critters, where all the obnoxious social repetition does not apply. But ya know, thats *not* even what I want.... because the similar microcosm I inhabit now is already closing in. Hermits aren't supposed to get lonely, are they??

".....and I want life in every word to the extent that it's absurd....."

Also, I am having my heart broken, well, no not broken, mostly just slowly exsanguinated, but someone I used to have a lot of respect for, but now I really just see that she has been mostly using me. I've done my very best to be there for her during all her times of woe and tried to be a neutral and sympathetic sounding board for all of her decisions in the name of her refound happiness. I have only just recently reviewed the situation and realized that not only am I on the block to be scapegoated for this behavior (and have been for some time) in that social aggregate, that if I am not consistently offering assistance to her in some way, she has no use for me. I've been trying to remember the last time she voluntarily called or msn'd me, and realized that it just doesn't happen unless its associated with something useful to her.

I try to love and take care of the people who matter to me.... and it is my pleasure to expend my energy for them if it in some way makes their life easier. However, it is apparent that I am the only one that actually thinks there *is* a friendship here to sustain, so as much as I like to be of assistance if I can, I'm not a *total* moron.

On a final note, the new Built To Spill is out on April 11... maybe that will save my soul.