deftonesfreek

Day two into the New Year .... and the feeling hasn't dissipated.

I woke up knowing I had to be to work, yet somehow dragged my heels ... mainly because I knew I had a shitload of things to do, on top of waiting to hear from Amy. We hadn't spoken on the phone since roughly 10 am on Thursday morning when she said, "you don't have to be such a prick" in regard to what we were talking about. If you're wondering, the blog should still be up. Feel free to peruse at your leisure.

I finally get moving, hoping to hear from Amy at some point before I walk out the door.

[IMG]http://img291.imageshack.us/img291/5188/jeffreestarandtimewithaeg5.jpg" alt="Image Hosted by ImageShack.us[/IMG]

No dice.

When I get to work, it's business as usual: catch with my boss, Mel, find out what needs to be done, bullshit for a few, then get a move on. I should have made myself breakfast this morning instead of having two huge cups of coffee. That will be one of my things I get back into shortly.

Sitting at my desk, I found myself chatting on Facebook with my friends when I receive an e-mail from Amy. I sent her one last night before I went to sleep that read - in the subject line - I was hoping to hear from you...

...when she opened it, the body read:

I guess not.

Enclosed with the message were the lyrics to a song I listened to a few times on the way home from my live broadcast. The song is called "Without You" from Buckcherry and it goes like this:

Without You

Talk to me tonight is everything alright help me understand you
You go out with your friends, talk to other men and our love life is a wasteland
And with the change a new test of faith to help us through tomorrow a condition of the love we made
Cause things won't change without you,
forfeit the lies that maimed you I want to dance with the lions
and change things but I can't do it without you
You told me I'm the one and now you're out of love in your eyes it's hard to find you
If we could take some time and cut out all the lies I'd find a heart more stable
[Pre-chorus]
So take it easy girl you're falling through the night,
your Mona Lisa eyes will comfort me the rest of my life
[Chorus]
When love has hit your eyes I'll never say goodbye
we stand alone tonight without you,
without you
you

While she didn't respond to the lyrics of the song, she did respond with a rather venomous e-mail retort that said:

I'm sorry ... that i didn't call you to give you yet ANOTHER opportunity to be disappointed in me.

.............and her grudge continues to ride. She admitted to me on the phone on Wednesday that she's carried grudges in the past for a really long time against people. I'd be lying if I said the same, then again, it depends on what that person did to me to receive such negativity.

Getting off track.

No text, no more e-mail, nothing from her through the entire day.

I step into the air studio to do my show (I'm the afternoon host for the 'Alternative station' here in Reno) and STILL, nothing from her. I try my best to put it aside but somehow fail because one of my friends sent me an e-mail saying "I turned on the radio and didn't hear the same spark in your voice." Once I explained what was going on, she expressed her sorrow and said that she hopes we (Amy and me) can figure something out..

Life really shouldn't BE this hard ......why is that?

I'm not pointing fingers, but I think Amy will tell you that her communication isn't the greatest. We'll get into these fights, or spats, then after the dust settles, and we make up, she says to me, "thank you for loving me. I'm sorry I'm like this at times."

I honestly think that she's pushed me away for the last time.

I haven't heard from her in coming up on 48 hours and for all I know, she's written off what we have. I'm ok with that, mainly because I'm tired of my heart hurting when I go to sleep and feeling the same when I wake up.

Without sounding like a COMPLETE asshole, I reeeeeeally hope she has some sort of verbal miracle for her return tomorrow otherwise I'm out and don't look back.

If you've stuck with me in the past two days, reading these, thank you. If you dove out two or three paragraphs in, I get that too, either way, I'm grateful for the time spent



You cant erase this deep inside of me
I know I'm not a sight to see
But baby Im alive
I cherish the love and I cherish the life thats inside of me
I know Im not a sight to see
But baby Im alive

Wont you come and rescue me
Seperate myself from me
Maybe Im too blind to see
Save my life
Rescue me

I lie awake it takes its toll on me
And now my broken heart it bleeds
But baby I'm alive
I cherish the love and I cherish the life thats inside of me
And now my broken heart it bleeds
But baby Im alive

Wont you come and rescue me
Seperate myself from me
Maybe Im too blind to see
Save my life
Wont you come and rescue me
Im torn away from what I need
Help me now I'm way too deep
Save my life

Its not over now
And I just want to say
Youll never be left out
I love you more today
Its not over now
No more time to waste
Kiss me on the mouth
And take my breath away

I cherish the love and I cherish the life thats inside of me
I know Im not a sight to see
But baby Im alive
Wont you come and rescue me
Seperate myself from me
Maybe Im too blind to see
Save my life
Wont you come and rescue me
Im torn away from what I need
Help me now I'm way too deep
Save my life
Rescue me