deflicted

32 years old and i still have not really found myself just need to look into ppl more read more off and of them and not maybe think everyones out to get me and actually say hello but i feel like ive been soooo bottled up this past year and how it does strange lt reflect much of my shelter some life but unknown what and or why i cant grow up and let of my past i look like that same kid i act like that same kid i have done major things i think to correct that in big ways but i still dont know how to break free on off this way of life .......
i i dont if i want to be popular .... i just want to feel wanted and need and loved............. not quite end of the road and world and stuff or kill myself of it but my depression leads me their as i feel helpless and weakness/less to stop it my best friend hmmmpf i dont think i know what that is i dont think ive ever really had one i miss care free days of yester year i feel young and old and at the same time i feel all get off my lawn and taking naps in my chair cause i stayed up all night thinking about if im gonna keep living life or just keep dragging thu day to day ..... i am just constantly lost and in need of new direction cause my old ways dont work any mor or my simple solutions have been taken fro me i dont even know how to take care of myself i mean my idea is McDonalds for breakfast and steak for dinner at a restaurant every day and go out to get those things everyday and constantly and spend spend spend like there is not tomorrow i have to take my medication and i can barely even do that i mean how am i gonna take care of my own kids if i cant take care of myself plus women just i dont know i keep striking out im just blown away by my own apparent revoltingness attitude or stench