defconnexion

This morning I had an existential crisis while I ate my breakfast. Actually, the proverbial bolt from the blue struck while I was spreading the cream cheese on my toasted bagel and I realised that I would be at work in less than an hour, wasting my time in order to barely get by and I immediately lambasted myself internally before pouring myself a glass of orange juice. What am I doing with myself? When did the idea that I would have to constantly compromise myself in order to exist become not only acceptable but accepted? Why is that no matter how true these accusations that I made against myself rang clear I still finished my bagel, brushed my teeth and put on my shoes before heading to work? I'm writing this from the terminal at work and I'm furious with myself. I keep looking out the front wall which is one big window and thinking of how easily and simultaneously profoundly difficult it would be to just walk out there and away. The same phrases keep repeating themselves. I'm not too old to change. I have to change or I'll stay this unhappy. Nobody is going to change this for me. I have to change or I'm going to break. I'm going to break. Am I broken? How do I fix this? Then I just start to displace furiously: The world is broken. The States are broken. This town is broken. This job sucks. Okay, so this job really does suck and I should really just start there. So why is it that I haven't just walked out the front door yet? Why is it that I won't?