I'm a Gnostic. I know this now because the voice of God spoke to me this morning and told me that my life would suck pure Hell until I went back to sleep tonight. Then it laughed at me. Normally I would disregard such an obvious episode of schizophrenia and try to squeeze in another half an hour of sleep before forcing myself to get out of bed and take a shower, but something, perhaps Something Divine, coerced me to get an early start on the day and boy howdy, what a fucking day. My horoscope subtley warns me against communication today so I'm thumbing my nose at astrology, or is it astronomy. Regardless, the Chinese can kiss my ass today and so can the stars that they created and hung in the sky in order to package their barely palatable cookies with wisdom, for God has spoken to me this morning and told me that my life would suck pure Hell until I go back to sleep tonight. I think I developed Carpal Tunnel while writing this, but I won't blame you because it's likely that you're a Godless heathen. I'll find somebody nice and righteous to sue and then I'll feel a lot better about my newfound faith. Wish me luck, even though I don't believe in it.
