so the last few weeks are blurry to me because ive been draining myself with drinks. i dont know. i just wish that this would all stop. emotions, where to begin and where to end. where am i even going with these. i think to deeply and of course its always the negative. maybe one day ill learn to focus on the positive aspects in my life but until then....
ive been surrounding myself with bodies to take some of the pain and confusion off my mind. at the same time i feel as if im not giving them what i should be. i cant make sense of anything anymore....its kind of like a dead end....im driving myself off into the dirt road with no destination.
a few days ago i was asked why i dont let anyone in and that i put up a wall. yes indeed i do. i have been for years. from what ive been shown through out my life is that many people that come into your life end up walking out. i dont feel as if i should show someone thats just going to walk out on me what im about, value or even feel. i have to analize activitives and just themselves for a bit before i can be personal with someone. actually, i think it all comes back to trust. i dont trust, you have to earn it. i fucking hate trust.
bipolar....thats another thing i hate but we wont get into that one...
i was just thinking about a few months ago when this all started and how fucked up i felt and was. the people i hurt and the people i used to make myself feel more like a person again. just to feel loved...thats all i want and need. i just want to be held and told everythings going to be alright.
i feel as if time is on my side and im getting to walk a little step more and more with it. im becoming more and more the person i used to be, im beginning to learn to love myself and not have someone there telling me im nothing. i can be alone. i think......
actually i dont really know because again, ive been surrounding myself with bodies to make up for the pain...ive been jumping from one to the next without thinking of them. i mean every night i truely believe that ive had someone in my bed with me cuddling evening fucking....arg....what am i doing to myself...
;klasjdkahgklajshgsjkag
wake up.
.youre still alive..
there.must.be.a.reason.
thats all that will be able to explain it...
ive been surrounding myself with bodies to take some of the pain and confusion off my mind. at the same time i feel as if im not giving them what i should be. i cant make sense of anything anymore....its kind of like a dead end....im driving myself off into the dirt road with no destination.
a few days ago i was asked why i dont let anyone in and that i put up a wall. yes indeed i do. i have been for years. from what ive been shown through out my life is that many people that come into your life end up walking out. i dont feel as if i should show someone thats just going to walk out on me what im about, value or even feel. i have to analize activitives and just themselves for a bit before i can be personal with someone. actually, i think it all comes back to trust. i dont trust, you have to earn it. i fucking hate trust.
bipolar....thats another thing i hate but we wont get into that one...
i was just thinking about a few months ago when this all started and how fucked up i felt and was. the people i hurt and the people i used to make myself feel more like a person again. just to feel loved...thats all i want and need. i just want to be held and told everythings going to be alright.
i feel as if time is on my side and im getting to walk a little step more and more with it. im becoming more and more the person i used to be, im beginning to learn to love myself and not have someone there telling me im nothing. i can be alone. i think......
actually i dont really know because again, ive been surrounding myself with bodies to make up for the pain...ive been jumping from one to the next without thinking of them. i mean every night i truely believe that ive had someone in my bed with me cuddling evening fucking....arg....what am i doing to myself...
;klasjdkahgklajshgsjkag
wake up.
.youre still alive..
there.must.be.a.reason.
thats all that will be able to explain it...
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
polaris:
MUWAH!!
tattooedyourmom:
Well I know I don't know you but sounds like you need a drink! I am putting up a post for a meeting at the rogue tonight if you want to go. I'll buy you a shot or five. You'll be ok.