decota

Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
Under L. Marie


Its inevitable that you will eventually encounter the dirty skanks that used to sleep with your man before you. Im not a dirty skank! BUT I garentee that ALL of my ex-boyfriends new ladies think I am just that, based on the simple fact that I got there first. And so, it was bound to happen that I would look in to the face of the rotten whore of a woman who fucked my man before me!

And by look in the face I mean, her friend gave me a dirty look and I dont really even know what the ex-lady looks like. BUT she was in the room. At some point she was in the same place that I was and I didnt like it one bit.

The Man and I went into one of his favorite bars for a quick drink just before last call and the ex-ladys friend bombarded him at the door and told him, So (name of ex-lady) is here. And it would ruin her night if she saw you here with your new, ehem...girl. The friends bitchy tone at the mention of my existence is because I am 24 and (this detail is very amusing) the ex-lady is a Never-been-married 40-something-year-old woman. And +/- 20 years my senior. Hence the tone the friend gave when saying, girl.

It definitely didn't help the situation that I was wearing my ballet flats with leggings and an oversized flannel swamping me into a cherubic little hipster. And they were all wearing fancy black adult causal attire and towering over me in their grown-up heels and business-woman designer clutches.

Frankly, I feel sorry for her. Shes like a less fashionable version of Carrie Bradshaw. And my Man is apparently her Mr. Big. Which makes me the bitchy supermodel that Mr. Big marries. I dont like being in this position anymore then I like being the Ex. Both ends of the stick blow major balls. Especially if the new girl is way prettier, skinnier, or younger then you are. (Me being not prettier nor skinnier, but most certainly younger)

I cant even imagine how it must feel to have an Ex date a woman two decades younger. That probably explains the distain on the ex-ladys friends faces. They looked like they wanted to spit in my face and then pour their beers down my shirt. Who could blame them? And what else are girlfriends for then to gang up on your exs new girl and tell you how much prettier you are and that it will never last and hell be crawling back to you the first time she pops on a Miley Cyrus CD.

So like any young girl in attempt to look mature I hid in the bathroom to avoid confrontation from a drunken middle-aged psychopath and her grown-up lady friends. I looked for a window to escape through. There were none so I looked in the mirror at my smells-like-teen-spirit attire. I took off the flannel which only reveled the pad thai I had spilled down the front of my white undershirt at dinner and immediately put the flannel back on. I put my hair up which made me look even younger so I put it back down. I finally settled on fresh coat of chap stick and then I said to myself out loud in the mirror, "fuck it."

I'm not exaggerating when I say the woman is bit of a psychopath. Since I first started dating the Man he told me about her. About how she calls all the time. Shell text him about going to a show and asks him if hes going to be there, to which he never replies and we change our plans.

The Man and I have been together for over five months, and around month two, when it started to feel more then casual, he told her he was seeing someone else and to, please stop texting and calling. At which point she changed her routine of calling three times a week at three a.m. and hanging up, to calling only once a week at three a.m. and hanging up.

The last time she called was a week ago. The last time he saw her in person was in May of 2010. Im not a huge coward but I know when to duck and cover to avoid being shanked with a broken beer bottle.


When I came out of the bathroom the Man was waiting for me and told me exactly what I thought he was going to tell me, (name of ex-lady) is here. Lets go to the bar across the street.
Sure thing! Lets boogie.

I have no desire to drink beer in the same room with any mans Ex. Especially an Ex who doesn't know its over. So off we went where we were safe from shanking and where he could vent his frustrations that after 40-something years of life this woman still didnt understand the words, This isnt working... I dont want to see you anymore... No we cant be friends. Considering they had only dated for three months and had sex only a few times, he was very confused at how seriously she mistook the situation. I told him, "She probably thought you were the one and had dreams of you two getting married."
"After three months?"
"Probably after the first date."

Which brings us to the bright side! She makes me look more normal with every mean message she leaves yelling, You never cared about me! and the countless unanswered text-messages and phone calls and three a.m. hang-ups. The poor woman wont let it go.

I hypothesize that her gaggle of 40-something girlfriends are feeding her a bunch of enabling bullshit instead helping her move on. Women are supposed to help each other out not keep each other in an unrealistic state of hope that He will come to his senses and realize what hes missing after a year of unreturned phone calls. As the new girl having to deal with a psycho-ex, I dont appreciate that at all (or the dirty looks). Shame on you Gaggle of Girlfriends! Shame. On. You.

But what I do appreciate is whichever Ex left the really expensive Redkin Conditioner behind! That, my friends, has come in handy. And whichever Ex taught the Man how to eat pussy. But as for middle-aged phycho-path, for the love of God, Get over it!

And I didn't do anything, please don't stab me.