decota

Under L. Marie

The Rules of Engagement

Ex-Painter, as far as I know, has yet to find "The One". I'm not even really sure if that's what he's looking for at the moment. You know, wife, kids, dog, fence. But I'm going to assume not. However he did inform me today what he is looking for in every woman. He believes that if every woman were to follow his "rules" that every relationship would be perfect. These are essentially his "rules every woman should follow to keep their man". He says that if every woman abides by these guidelines that no man would ever be unsatisfied. Perhaps he's still looking because nobody wants a list of crap to do.


Rule for Woman number 1) "Learn how to fucking cook."

As a woman of the modern era, and a woman who could be classified as a feminist in some circles, I'm sorry to say that I'm going to have to side with Ex-Painter on this one. Maybe it's because I love cooking.

But I have some rules of my own that I feel are contingent upon a woman following these rules. I guess I'm essentially more egalitarian then a feminist. I believe there is a balance and a give and take.

Rule for Man number 1) If I'm going to cook, and cook to your culinary satisfaction, you are doing the god damn dishes. Without complaint.


Rule for Woman number 2) "Just give us a Blow Job. Do not wait to be asked. And it is preferred to receive head every day."

Again for me, personally,I don't really have a problem with this one as I love to give blow-jobs. But I can see that If you are one of those women who don't like slobbing the knob, this could be torturous. I'm not entirely sure why some women hate it. But I know there are a few things I hate. And If men want head everyday they need to do some shit to make it more inviting.

Rule for Man number 2) Wash your fucking balls. I will not go down on you when you come home from playing basketball and your junk smells worse then your socks. Its not wrong for you to want some sucky-sucky everyday. But do us a favor and make sure its fresh.


Rule for Woman number 3) "Make the bed and pick-up around the house." Ex-Painter said this one was really more for a couple that lives together. But if the woman stays over the man's place it just means so much if she makes the bed. His reasoning being, and he openly admits, "All men are children and at the end of the day, we all want to be mothered." He went on to explain that men don't really want to be bossed around as much as taken care of in a maternal-type setting. i.e. Chicks should clean up after their guys.

I have done this. Many times. For guys I never even fucked. But that's because I have lived with guys and I know what they are like. Not all of guys are slobs. But if he is even remotely messy, I care more about having a nice environment then putting my pro-woman foot down to prove a point. Because that just results with me standing in the middle of a filthy room with my arms crossed and my foot tapping. But again there is a condition.

Rule for Man number 3) If I make your bed and pick-up after you, you must say "thank you". Every. Time. Every time! The day that goes by that a woman cleans and he doesn't notice and doesn't say "thank you", that's the day we no longer feel appreciated and the withholding of certain sex-acts is not far behind.


Rule for Woman number 4) "Put down the toilet lid. Not just the seat. The Lid!"

Rule for Man number 4) Stop using our expensive shampoo. You're hair is not worthy. If you think it is then get your own.


Rule for Woman number 5) "If your Boyfriend doesn't like your friends, get new friends. Chances are she made those friends when she was single and their single-life hang-ups will begin to effect the relationship."

Rule for Man number 5) Your buddies can not come around and bitch about their girlfriends or all the things they wish their woman did ,or that life would be better if their chic had bigger tits. All that does is make us wonder what you say about us when were not around. We know those buddies of yours are totally pussy whipped when they are in front of their Girlfriends and they just make themselves look fucking stupid and so will you.


Rule for Woman number 6) "Buy flowers for our house. Create a mood."

I agree, if a guy buys flowers for his own house, I'll be counting down the days until he tells me that he'd prefer I were a dude.

Rule for Man number 6) Go out of your way for us. Anyone can get flowers or a card. But if you had to go really far out of his way to get it, even if it was free, I know I would gladly give a blow-job that didn't stop until my jaw locked, I developed temporary carpel-tunnel and my neck no longer turned to the sides without cracking.


Rule for Woman number 7) "Don't let the man think he has total control. It's OK for a woman to have her rules. If a woman has rules and sticks to it, she will be respected even if she's a whore."

Amen!

Rule for Men number 7) Don't ever stop following rule number 7



Rule for Woman number 8) "Don't wear patterns especially if you're pale. Women will always look best in a men's style dress shirt, good pants, a big bag and good shoes. Oh and fingers and feet must be maintained at all times."

( Ex-Painter, are you sure you're not gay? Oh wait that's right you're foreign)

Rule for Man number 8) If you want us to look smoking fucking hot, do not EVER complain when you come with us shopping.



Rule for Women number 9) "Bush is back, but the greens gotta be green and the valley's gotta be clean."

Rule for Man number 9) If we trim it you eat it!


Rule for Woman number 10) "Fuck Communication. We don't need to talk about it, just refer to rule number 2! There is not a single problem that can't be solved by rule number 2."

Rule for Man number 10) Since were not talking, do not EVER compliment another woman in front of us. I don't care how confident you think we are, we don't want to fucking hear how beautiful she is. We don't. Ever. If you get the impression that we do it's only because we don't want to appear insecure. Which we are. All women hate something about themselves. If they don't, they're lying.


So that is quiet the laundry list of expectations. Perhaps you should print it out and put it on the fridge so nobody neglects their duties.