decembermarie

Well...things have been looking up and then I got a call yesterday... I just found out my grandpa's heart problems are getting progressively worse and he's going to have to have surgery. They have to do a heart catheter and stuff before they set up the date. The dr said his aeortic valve can collapse at any moment until the surgery and obviously, that will kill him. So I've been really upset. I know there's a good chance he could die very soon, especially with his age. He's 73 and the average man lives to age 72. Me and my grandparents have had rocky relationship all my life. I remember as a kid looking up to my grandpa so much. He and I have alot in common and despite everything my family has been through, I love both my grandparents very much. My grandma went through breast cancer a few years ago and they are worried about it coming back. My mother died last year, very unexpectedly. I've always had a small family, just the 5 of us, me, my mom, my grandparents and my little brother, now it's down to four and the thought of losing someone else is scary. I know my grandma is very worried. Unfortunately, because her and I have had a very rough relationship and she's put me down my whole life and continues to it (just today she called me yelling at me), I'm not very close to her and can't show emotions around her. I was driving around yesterday and thinking and I broke down. Sadly, It made me miss Jesse. I haven't thought about him too much lately but yesterday, I missed the fact that even though he was my boyfriend, he was my best friend..I wanted to go see him. I wanted him to hug me and let me cry on his shoulder. I missed his voice. Part of me wanted to email him and tell him but I knew he wouldn't really care, we don't have any sort of relationship anymore...so I pushed away those thoughts and tried my best to dry my tears. I'm crying now again thinking about losing my grandpa. I'm trying to think the best but I can't help having these fears. I didn't expect my mom's death and I had a hard time dealing with it. I'm still focusing on everything going well with his surgery, but I have to be realistic. It just hit me how old my grandparents are. I never thought of it cuz they've always been really active, gone on trips, do house and yard work but lately my Papa has slowed down quite a bit. He says he's fine but he's always been that way, he's not the type to admit he's in pain or not feeling well, but my grandma told me he finally admitted to the dr yesterday that for this past year he's been feeling weaker. I'm praying that things go well. I will be at the hospital all day monday with them while he has more tests run. He had bloodwork done today. Well, I'm going for now I need to meditate and gather myself.